Entry 002 - Malice
In which our ability to play nice with others is a little... rusty
TITLE: Malice
PREMIERE: 1 Oct 1993
WRITING CREDITS: Aaron Sorkin and Jonas McCord (story); Aaron Sorkin and Scott Frank (screenplay)
DIRECTOR: Harold Becker
(heavy sigh) Okay, here we go…
If you’ve never heard of this movie, I don’t blame you — certainly, it seems like Mr. Sorkin doesn’t want people to know it exists. It is the only movie with Mr. Sorkin’s name on it for which there doesn’t appear to be a publicly available draft or shooting script online, which is almost certainly because he burned the last remaining copies of it.
It is also one of two movies with the dubious distinction of having Mr. Sorkin credited as a co-writer rather than the sole writer, which as a result means we’ll be doing some skipping around with our textual analysis. We can’t skip this movie altogether, though, so… herein begins the slog.
HARRIS: Forensics says it was the same man who raped Cara Latham.
ANDY: Did you really need a forensics expert to tell you that?
Yes, Andy, it’s the only way to rule out a copycat, you pretentious prick.
NEW Sorkin Name: Andy
HARRIS: Andy—
NEW Sorkin Name: Dana
ANDY: Dana, when was the last time I asked your department to beef up the security and cameras? I mean not the first four times, just the last time.
HARRIS: Don’t get pissy with me, Professor, I don’t have the manpower to break up a frat party.
Is that accent real?
RETURNING Sorkin Player: David Bowe
Character: Dr. Matthew Robertson
Previous appearance: A Few Good Men
ROBERTSON: We’re gonna lose her, Doctor.
Well, thank fuck she’s unconscious so she can’t hear that!
ANESTHETIST: 80, she’s out of the woods!
JED: (to applause) Way to practice medicine!
That’s an odd way of saying ‘thank you’…
RETURNING Sorkin Name: Matt/Matthew
Previous instance: A Few Good Men
JED: Dr. Robertson — may I call you Matthew?
ROBERTSON: Of course.
NEW Dialogue Motif: Take your lungs out
JED: Matthew, I’m the new guy around here and I want to make friends, so I’ll say this to you and we’ll start fresh. If you don’t like my jokes, don’t laugh. If you have a medical opinion, please speak up and speak up loud. But if you ever again tell me or my surgical staff that we’re going to lose a patient, I’m going to take out your lungs with a fucking ice cream scoop.
“Well, hold on, when you say that, do you mean you’ll crack my ribcage open and start scooping, or are you gonna shove the scoop down my throat? Because if it’s the latter, then that may help with my reflux…”
NEW Dialogue Motif: Don’t be ridiculous, everybody likes me
ROBERTSON: I’m not gonna like you, am I?
JED: Don’t be ridiculous — everybody likes me.
Yeah, just ask Halyna Hutchins.
JED: I think she’s gonna be just fine.
ANDY: Great… thank to you.
JED: Well, come to the midnight show, I levitate the next of kin.
That sounds like a malpractice suit waiting to happen!
NEW Sorkin Name: Jed
ANDY: It’s Jed Hill, right?
JED: Yeah.
ANDY: “Galloping” Jed Hill?
JED: … Excuse me?
ANDY: We went to high school together.
JED: You’re kidding me!
…
ANDY: I hope to see you around.
JED: … Yeah… me, too…
Damn, be less convincing, why dontcha?
NEW Sorkin Player: Nicole Kidman
Character: Tracy Safian
TRACY: Hey! Jason! Don’t you ever, ever play with plastic bags, or I’ll tie you up and I’ll feed you to the little kid monster, you got it?
“Hello, Social Services? There’s a woman here threatening bodily harm on preschoolers.”
ANDY: Speak of the devil…
JED: And the devil appears!
Hey, they must speak of the devil plenty in New Mexico…
NEW Verbal Tic: Missed a name
JED: This is Dr. Sullivan, Alan and Tracy Safian.
TRACY: Andy.
JED: Andy.
…
JED: Nice meeting you, Tracy.
TRACY: (calling back) Yeah, nice to meet you.
God, it’s so obvious in hindsight…
NEW Dialogue Motif: I’m a simple girl
ANDY: I don’t want to rent out the third floor, I don’t want a stranger in our house.
TRACY: Alright, suit yourself — would’ve been nice living in a home with running water but… I’m a simple girl.
Suuuuuuuuure, you are…
ANDY: Make sure she waits until you’re inside the house.
TRACY: I’ll have her provide air coverage if you want.
ANDY: (chuckles) That’s funny… I married a funny woman.
I wouldn’t count on that.
NEW Sorkin Name: Helen
NEW Dialogue Motif: Gender-bender sarcasm
ANDY: You know, in street clothes, Helen looks positively masculine.
Hey, man, don’t knock Helen for being genderfluid!
ANDY: Your mother’s estate?
TRACY: Yes.
ANDY: You told me she barely got by on a Social Security check, and now she’s Lady Astor?
Lady Astor, or Viscountess Nancy Astor, was an American-born British politician with the distinction of having been the first woman to take a seat in the House of Parliament (though not the first such to be elected, which goes to an Irish woman who refused to take her seat by virtue of Sinn Féin protest). She married Waldorf Astor in 1906, who later became the second Viscount of the recently-established Viscountcy of Astor in 1919. Her legacy was a mixed one, though, with her fervent anti-Catholicism, anti-communism, and antisemitism becoming coupled with a sympathy for Nazism. She was also a strong advocate for temperance, which gave her even more cause to trade barbs with PM Churchill. She understandably left Parliament after World War II, then seven years later endured the death of her wealthy husband with increasing isolation until her own death twelve years later. I’m honestly a little confused as to why her name was the first to come to Mr. Sorkin for this line, but it’s not like I have an encyclopedic knowledge of wealthy women to offer anything better anyway.
ANDY: Hey, listen, would you think any less of me if I used a fork?
Okay, I think we can safely skip this scene, I sincerely doubt Mr. Sorkin was the one to write it.
ANDY: (startled) Jeez…
JED: Front door was wide open.
Good lord, man, did you never learn how to knock?
ANDY: I’ve been working with all this paint remover, sometimes I get a headache from all the fumes.
JED: You should be taking a B complex.
ANDY: Say again?
JED: Well, a loading dose of a B-12 would help to enhance the cerebral… never mind.
ANDY: No, no, no! Why did you stop? That sounded great!
JED: Well, no, it just occurred to me that I was suggesting you take a jar of vitamins, when the smart thing to do would be to leave the door open.
And there’s a crushing blow to the medicinal industrial complex.
Side note: I don’t know if this was intentional or not, but the reference to B12 could potentially be seen as an underhanded reference to Alec Baldwin being a pescatarian. As a vegetarian myself, I’ve been given cause to be told that animal products are the primary source for B12, which is why vegans tend to have B12 included in their hefty dietary supplement sequence — but not vegetarians or pescatarians, who have eggs and cheese to supply B12. We vegetarians instead only have to worry about vitamin D3, which isn’t present in high enough levels in eggs and cheese to be sufficient for us.
JED: If I hadn’t been a doctor, I’d have been a, uh… I’d have been a building.
I will never understand this line. That it’s capped off with Alec Baldwin’s trademark shit-eating grin just confuses me all the more.
NEW Sorkin Name: Lillienfield
RETURNING Sorkin Name: Dave/David
Previous instance: A Few Good Men
JED: Is she seeing someone?
ANDY: Yeah, a doctor in Boston named Lillienfield, David Lillienfield. Do you know him?
JED: I’ve heard of him, Lillienfield is a good man.
Gee, I wonder why he would say that…
NEW Sorkin Name: Stanley
JED: Hey, Stanley.
STANLEY: Hey, Doc, it hurts when I do this.
JED: Then don’t do that.
What is this, Hee Haw?
TRACY: You did what?
ANDY: You’re the one who wanted to rent it out. I thought you’d be thrilled.
TRACY: Do I look thrilled?
No, you look like a prissy, conniving little—
ANDY: Stop talking to me like I’m eleven.
Hey, you’re lucky she’s not treating you like the five-year-olds she was dealing with earlier.
ANDY: He’s a brilliant doctor.
TRACY: I know. I know he’s brilliant, Andy. I can tell by the way the nursing staff genuflect when he walks down the hallway.
Oo, dictionary time! Genuflect: “lower one’s body briefly by bending one knee to the ground, typically in worship or as a sign of respect.”
TRACY: I mean, this guy doesn’t have friends, he has subjects.
Bring me the finest foreshadowing in all the land.foreshadowing detected
TRACY: Andy, please tell me you didn’t say anything to Jed, please tell me you didn’t share my problem with him.
ANDY: (pause) It came up.
TRACY: (beat) It came up.
ANDY: (beat) I apologize.
TRACY: (beat) Alright.
This exchange right here verifies for me I’m listening to Mr. Sorkin now — an exchange of short, repeating dialogue snippets in an almost metrical fashion. Music to my ears…
NEW Dialogue Motif: Angels dance on pinheads
ANDY: You’re assuming it’s Jed?
TRACY: I’m quite certain it’s Jed. Open the door.
ANDY: It could be anyone.
TRACY: Angels could dance on pinheads, Andy, but they don’t.
… What does that have to do with anything?
TRACY: Andy just got through telling me we’re gonna be roommates.
JED: Well, that’s why I stopped by, I just wanted to make sure that it was really okay.
Suuuuuuuuure, you did…
PAULA: The midterm was at 8:30, I set my alarm for 7:00 and it didn’t go off! I mean, if Professor Schmidt wants to give me an incomplete, then I really don’t care. I can’t control everything in this world. My alarm didn’t go off!
ANDY: (beat) That’s good. That’s very good, Paula. That’s so much better than locking your copy of Beowulf in your friend’s car.
“I’d have believed you just as much if you told me your homework was covered in Goop.”
WORTHINGTON: (over intercom) Detective Harris here to see you.
ANDY: Really — I’m amazed she could find the building.
What the hell?!
ANDY: Mrs. Worthington, I want you to note all test and exam times for Ms. Paula Bell. She’s to receive wake up calls from this office.
“Oh, and if you ever see a bag of coffee in her hands, take it away from her immediately.”
NEW Sorkin Player: Tobin Bell
Character: Earl Leemus
(LEEMUS blocks the exit for PAULA)
LEEMUS: Sorry…
Yeah, I’m sure that cabinet needed to be moved in today.
NEW Verbal Tic: Bite me
HARRIS: Only one of us is a police detective.
ANDY: Maybe not even that many.
HARRIS: Oh, collegiate wit. Let me search my mind for a clever comeback. How about “bite me”?
ANDY: Touché.
HARRIS: (beat) We’ve ordered more Security Precautions pamphlets.
Oh, good lord — no wonder people are saying ‘defund the police’.
ANDY: Do you know what I see when I come to work every morning? I see fathers loading steamer trunks, suitcases, ficus plants, and daughters into station wagons — presumably to drive them off to schools that don’t pose quite as high a death threat. See, I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when I ask what you and your crack team of professionals are doing other than distributing literature to redress this situation.
(golf clap) Preach it, brother!
ANDY: What do you think he does with the hair?
HARRIS: The hair?
ANDY: Yeah, he cuts off all their hair. What do you think he does with it?
HARRIS: He makes pillows, who knows?
Stunning lack of curiosity, ma’am…
(TRACY opens a pill bottle; JED steps into frame, startling a scream out of TRACY)
Dude?! Were you raised in a barn?
TRACY: (springs upright) This is ridiculous!
Okay, I think we can skip this sequence, too.
JED: Six miles a day keeps the doctor away!
Not keeping him away enough, apparently…
ANDY: Did you try calling her again?
WORTHINGTON: Nobody’s there, professor, I keep getting her answering machine.
ANDY: She’s there — she’s dodging the call.
For those not familiar with the screensaver on Paula’s computer in the next scene: welcome to the wonderful world of 90s-era Macintosh! If only she had kept that good taste into adulthood…
(ANDY picks up a tuft of hair on the ground)
Dude, use gloves! Or a handkerchief, or something, you’re contaminating the crime scene!
JED: You wanna hear about the first time I ever saw a corpse?
ANDY: No.
JED: It was my first year of medical school, ooh, gross anatomy. The instructor takes a radial saw to the cadaver’s head. People were running out of the room, they’re passing out, they’re turning green… I tell you, it really didn’t bother me all that much, though.
You have a hell of comforting technique, my guy.
JED: What happened to Krakowski?
STANLEY: Flunked the piss test.
JED: (beat) That upsets me. Guy can’t stay off cocaine for one million dollars.
Oof — this is a harsh line in hindsight…
ANDY: Man, I’d give my right arm for a million dollars… I can’t afford plumbing, for Christ’s sake.
JED: (pause) Would you really?
ANDY: What?
JED: Give your right arm for one million dollars?
ANDY: You mean like literally?
JED: Yeah. (pause) Well, not even an arm, let’s just say… a finger.
ANDY: (pause) One finger, for one million dollars?
JED: Right.
ANDY: (chuckles) Oh god, this is a strange conversation…
JED: Well, we’re talking about a surgical procedure, just… to the joint. (beat) Would you do it?
ANDY: (pause) No.
JED: (pause) Really?
ANDY: (pause) Would you?
JED: (slowly bites down on a piece of ice) No. (giggles maniacally)
Just for the record — I’m a classical guitarist, I type on a QWERTY keyboard, and I use a vertical mouse. If I were ever in a desperate situation — which I’m definitely not, as I mentioned in my last entry, but if I were — I would totally sell my right pinky for the right price. My right pinky is basically useless.
JED: Stanley? Would you please bring those two girls a round of whatever it is they’re drinking?
“Girls? What girls? Oh, you mean those two women, you patronizing sonuva—”
NEW Dialogue Motif: In my [entire] life
ANDY: Am I a suspect, Dana? Am I a fucking suspect?
HARRIS: All three victims had been in to see you before they were attacked.
…
ANDY: In my entire life, I have never harmed anyone!
Yeah, you’ve only verbally abused people.
HARRIS: I need a sperm sample…
“Woah, hey! I’m married!”
ANDY: What if I refuse?
HARRIS: (beat) You get to wear my handcuffs.
Kinky…
WOMAN: Damn.
JED: No, no, that’s much better.
WOMAN: No, it’s not.
JED: No, it is — at least you’re not hitting innocent bystanders.
You’re one to talk…
Okay, I know this isn’t necessarily a politic thing to say, but every time I see the scene of Tracy stumbling through the kitchen, all I can ever see is the death scene from the first episode of Police Squad.
[PS1] JIM: Sally… (stamps some papers)
Now I’ve ruined the scene for you, too.
BLACK NURSE: Dr. Hill?
Ehhhh — if my Black tokenization radar felt over-defined in A Few Good Men, I think it’s right on the money with this case. Good lord…
RETURNING Sorkin Player: Joshua Malina
Character: surgical resident
Previous appearance: A Few Good Men
ANDY: What happened to my wife?
RESIDENT: She’s bleeding internally. Dr. Hill will come and talk to you as soon as her condition is stabilized.
ANDY: Is she conscious?
RESIDENT: I’m sorry, Mr. Safian, that’s all I know.
Really? You can’t even answer a question like that? You already said she’s bleeding internally and isn’t yet stabilized, how on Earth could she possibly be conscious?
JED: Alright, I want to do a frozen section right away, see if we still got a viable ovary here.
NURSE: We can’t.
JED: Why not?
NURSE: The pathologist isn’t in house.
JED: Well, what do I do for a frozen section?
NURSE: We can call him in.
JED: How long would that take?
NURSE: 30, 40 minutes…
JED: Hell with it, I’ll get a microscope and I’ll do it myself.
ROBERTSON: It’ll take at least a half an hour for the processor to warm up.
Man’s acting like he’s still at Mass General instead of a small town hospital — don’t expect big dollar equipment, my guy.
JED: There’s a problem with Tracy’s second ovary. We discovered it was torsed, or twisted, around its own blood supply. If I remove it, I’m simply removing a dead organ…
ANDY: Do whatever you have to do.
Famous last words…
ROBERTSON: You could be taking out a viable ovary.
JED: It’s necrotic. Scalpel.
ROBERTSON: Without the histology, you can’t be sure.
JED: I’m sure.
Are you, though?
The animation Jed is watching in the next scene is called Lensman, a 1984 Japanese animated film whose synopsis on Wikipedia is basically unreadable so don’t even bother.
SULLIVAN: We took out a healthy ovary.
‘We’?
SULLIVAN: Jed, take this. Look at it. Then burn it.
What the fuck?! Is the hospital administrator really asking Jed to commit medical record fraud?
SULLIVAN: This hospital took out a healthy ovary.
JED: I took out the ovary, no one else.
Damn, it’s refreshing to hear him take responsibility…
SULLIVAN: Are you gonna be alright?
JED: I’ll be fine. I didn’t do anything wrong.
Never mind, I take that back.
JED: Andy, I wanted to have a word with Tracy.
ANDY: Maybe later, okay?
(JED walks past ANDY toward TRACY)
Wow, I guess he’s one of those “better to ask forgiveness than to seek permission” people.
JED: I don’t know if there’s any point in telling you how sorry I am.
“Weeeeeeeell, no there isn’t.”
NEW Dialogue Motif: Norman Rockwell reference
ADAMS: Let me tell you what a jury sees. A jury sees a beautiful young woman married to a mild-mannered teacher. They buy an old house and dream of filling it up with children. Now that is a Norman Rockwell painting and you have ripped it to shreds with your scalpel.
Yeah, if you’re gonna rip a Rockwell to shreds, you should do the one with the boy dropping trou instead.
ADAMS: It’s not my job to help your hand, doctor.
JED: It’s not your job to be an asshole either, counselor, but that doesn’t seem to be stopping you.
It isn’t stopping you, either, buster.
ADAMS: We could bring in a private investigator, dig up something on her background.
SULLIVAN: Lester, she volunteered five days a week in a children’s ward.
JED: And baked cookies for the staff.
“She baked things?”foreshadowing detected
ADAMS: Looks like you picked the wrong patient to screw up on, doctor.
JED: I didn’t pick her, counselor.
“Liar! Li—” wait, sorry, spoilers.
ANDY: Tracy, why won’t you let me help you get through this?
TRACY: This isn’t a phase, Andy
“It’s not a phase, mom!”
TRACY: Goodbye, Andy.
Damn, first Meg Ryan now Nicole Kidman? Billy can’t catch a break…
And now we get into a deposition scene! We’re back home, folks!
RILEY: Dr. Kessler, your faith in Dr. Hill’s surgical talent is obvious.
KESSLER: And completely deserved.
RILEY: Dr. Kessler, seven months ago the position of Chief of Surgery became available at Mass General. Did Jed Hill seek this position?
KESSLER: Yes, he did.
RILEY: Did you give the position to Jed?
ADAMS: Excuse me, my client’s name is Dr. Hill.
RILEY: Forgive me, did you award the position to Dr. Hill?
KESSLER: No.
RILEY: Why not?
“Well, for one, he wouldn’t stop talking about his bodily fluids…”
RILEY: What did you mean in this evaluation when you said Dr. Hill had a god complex?
KESSLER: The power to heal… can be an enormous thing — an enormous thing. To save a life, to get blood flowing into cells and vital organs… if a person can do that, and if one can do it as exceptionally as Dr. Hill, it’s not uncommon for a person like that to begin to believe that he can do anything.
This line feels so powerful and yet feels like Oscar bait at the same time.
RILEY: Would it be uncommon for a person with a god complex to reject the advice of others?
KESSLER: No…
RILEY: Would it be uncommon for such a person to proceed on a course that others might reject if only out of a sense of god-like power?
KESSLER: Oh, I think now you’re vastly overstating…
“You’re devilishly hard to have a conversation with.”
ADAMS: Don’t you address my client, Mr. Riley.
RILEY: Do you have a god complex?
ADAMS: This is not acceptable.
JED: No, no — let him address me.
ADAMS: Jed —
JED: No, no — it’s about time I got to give some answers here.
ADAMS: (to stenographer) Stop typing! This is off the record.
(stenographer stops typing)
You know, one of these days I’m going to figure out how to type on a stenotype. I understand the basic concept behind it, but how what’s typed gets translated to something legible is beyond me — particularly when you’re talking about transcribing Aaron Sorkin…
JED: The question is, “do I have a god complex?”
RILEY: Dr. Kessler says yes.
JED: Which makes me wonder if this… lawyer… has any idea as to the kind of grades one has to receive in college to be accepted at a top medical school.
“I don’t know, maybe the same kind of grades it takes to get into law school, you pompous jackass?”
RETURNING Verbal Tic: Résumé recitation
Running count: 3
JED: I have an M.D. from Harvard, I am board certified in cardio-thoracic medicine and trauma surgery, I have been awarded citations from seven different medical boards in New England…
NEW Dialogue Motif: Gilbert and Sullivan appeal
JED: … and I am never, ever sick at sea.
“Well… hardly ever!”
JED: So I ask you, when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to “God” that their wife doesn’t miscarry, or that their daughter doesn’t bleed to death, or that their mother doesn’t suffer acute neural trauma from post-operative shock, who do you think they’re praying to?
Er, ahem — I think you mean “whom”?foreshadowing detected
NEW Verbal Tic: Let me tell you something
JED: You ask me if I have a god complex. Let me tell you something, I am God.
Yeah, just ask Joel Souza.
NEW Dialogue Motif: This sideshow is over
JED: And this sideshow is over.
Sideshow? You mean this isn’t the main plot? Come on, this movie’s spaghetti enough as it is!
NEW Dialogue Motif: Sarcastic “winner” declaration
RILEY: You got a winner here, Lester.
“Yeah, it’s almost like he purposefully punted the deposition or something…”
ADAMS: Call my office in the morning and we’ll work out a settlement.
RILEY: It gets better.
ADAMS: What do you mean?
RILEY: We talked to the bartender of a place called Prince William Tavern.
TRACY: Ask “God” how many shots of bourbon he had before he cut me open.
“I can’t, he doesn’t exist — wait, that’s not what you meant.”
RILEY: Listen, there are some things we should discuss now, like an umbrella policy.
TRACY: Dennis, this isn’t such a good time for me.
RILEY: Tracy, we’re talking about $20 million.
TRACY: Dennis, I think about what I want for breakfast, I start crying. You can put the money in a coffee can, for all I care.
“I’ll place it right next to the coffee can with grandma’s ashes.”
WORTHINGTON: It’s after 8:30.
ANDY: I’ll see you tomorrow.
WORTHINGTON: You should go home.
“I go home when you…” — wait.foreshadowing detected
LEEMUS: It’s my mother’s hair.
Oh, how original! Did you and Oedipus compare notes?
ANDY: So help me God, I could have killed him.
So much for never hurting anyone in your life…
HARRIS: Junior, have you met the professor? A very tough guy.
“Oh, yeah? I’d like to see him jump off a ten story building and come out in one piece!”
NEW Dialogue Motif: Want something done right, damnit, call X
ANDY: If you want something done right, goddamn it, you call a teacher.
Oh, well, I guess we know where he stands on the phrase “those who can’t do teach”.
ANDY: And there was a second, maybe a second and a half, between him telling me that Tracy was pregnant and him telling me that the fetus was aborted during surgery… and that second, that second and a half… that was the happiest time in my life.
HARRIS: (pause) That is a horrible story. It’s the worst story I’ve ever heard.
What the fuck?!
ANDY: Have you had a lot of success talking jumpers in from window ledges?
A thoroughly apropos lampshade, if I may say so myself!
NEW Verbal Tic: Let me ask you something
HARRIS: Let me ask you something.
ANDY: Sure.
HARRIS: How well do you know Tracy?
ANDY: (pause) She’s my wife. What do you mean?
HARRIS: My brothers, my friends, and my ex-husband have all accused me of wielding my sense of honesty like a blunt instrument.
And coupled with that accent, you could cause some real brain damage, ma’am.
ANDY: It’s a lab report.
JED: I don’t understand.
ANDY: It’s a sperm sample I made after the Paula Bell rape. I’m sterile.
Oh, shit! Is that why Meg left you?
JED: Andy, this isn’t about me.
ANDY: It’s about both of us, Jed! She reamed both of us. It’s too late for me, but it’s not too late for you.
JED: Andy, I don’t mean to seem indelicate, but as far as my situation is concerned, it doesn’t matter if Tracy was sleeping with the Boston Celtics.
Hey, if she were, having no reproductive system would probably be a bonus.
JED: Andy, you’re hurt and you want revenge, and I can understand that, but I got what I deserved.
Damn, it’s refreshing to hear you say — wait.
ANDY: Did I?
JED: Did you what?
ANDY: Did I get what I deserved?
JED: Bad things happen to good people all the time, Andy, and for no reason.
That means a lot, coming from you.
JED: What are you gonna do, Andy?
ANDY: I’m gonna go out and get to know my wife.
How very Jewish of you, Andy.
NEW Sorkin Player: Brenda Strong
Character: Claudia
ANDY: See, I can call him Dennis ‘cause we’re old friends, we both slept with my wife.
RILEY: Claudia, call security.
ANDY: Do that, Claudia, and then call the US Attorney’s office and see if conspiracy to commit insurance fraud comes under their jurisdiction.
“Ask for the Assistant US Attorney General, he’s a drinking friend of mine.”foreshadowing detected
RETURNING Dialogue Motif: Beat the shit out of X
Previous instance: A Few Good Men
RILEY: What the hell happened to your face?
ANDY: I beat the shit out of a deeply disturbed serial rapist. (nods contentedly)
Damn, no need to brag or anything…
ANDY: Hey, I want an explanation.
RILEY: An explanation for what?
ANDY: For how my wife could have been pregnant when her husband’s sterile. What was it? Immaculate conception? If that’s the case, Dennis, I wouldn’t have settled for $20 million if I were you.
RILEY: Andy, I had no knowledge of this — and I wasn’t sleeping with your wife, if that’s what you’re suggesting.
“Now, Jane Fonda, on the other hand…”
ANDY: I want to talk to Tracy
RILEY: Andy…
ANDY: I know I’m asking you a favor.
RILEY: I have a professional obligation, I have a legal obligation to my client. Your problems, your questions, cold as this may seem, are not my business. And I haven’t got the answers you want. Even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to give them to you.
Ever the lawyer, I see…
RILEY: Talk to her friends, talk to her mother, talk to the people she works with at the hospital —
ANDY: What did you say?
RILEY: I’m saying this is a personal matter.
ANDY: Did you say ‘talk to her mother’?
RILEY: She certainly knows Tracy better than I do.
ANDY: Her mother is dead.
RILEY: (pause) When did she die?
ANDY: (beat) Twelve years ago — you handled the estate.
RILEY: (pause) No, I didn’t.
Okay, hold on — if he wasn’t sleeping with her, and he wasn’t handling her mother’s estate, then why did he drive her home the other day? It was evidently something that prompted Tracy to lie about it, so something’s still fishy here… ah, hell, whom am I kidding, it’s probably just a plot hole.
ANDY: Where does she live?
RILEY: Please understand —
ANDY: Fuck it, I’ll find her myself.
Wait, what? How are you planning on doing that, exactly?
(ANDY knocks on a door; an older woman answers it)
Huh?! How did you know where to look?
RETURNING Verbal Tic: What do you want from me
Running count: 2
ANDY: Did your daughter ever tell you she had a husband?
KENNSINGER: Did your wife ever tell you she had a mother?
ANDY: Yeah.
KENNSINGER: You’re a liar.
ANDY: She said you were dead.
KENNSINGER: What do you want from me?
“A coherent plot, if you have one.”
KENNSINGER: She tried to do the smart thing, I give her that.
ANDY: The smart thing, what was that?
KENNSINGER: Marry a bank account, what do you think?
ANDY: Tracy was married before?
KENNSINGER: I said she tried. You got to pay attention.
“I would, but your purposefully being vague is making it hard.”
KENNSINGER: This is single malt scotch. That was so classy, mister. I haven’t had single malt since ‘69. I drink crap… blended whiskey is crap, I don’t care what color the label is.
The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one.
NEW Dialogue Motif: Tuna fish in a barrel
ANDY: What? Did I say something funny?
KENNSINGER: That girl sure found herself a live one — like shooting tuna fish in a barrel.
Not to dunk on your mixed metaphors, ma’am, but if he’s the victim of barrel fish shooting, then he can’t be a ‘live one’, can he?
ANDY: You’re drunk.
KENNSINGER: And you’re stupid.
KENNSINGER: Pick a card.
(ANDY picks a card)
KENNSINGER: Look at it.
(ANDY looks at the card)
KENNSINGER: Put it back in the deck.
(ANDY puts the card back in the deck; KENNSINGER slams the deck on the table then pockets her hands)
KENNSINGER: Shuffle the deck.
Yeah, it’s totally not suspicious that you put your hands in your pockets…
KENNSINGER: I’ll tell you something else about Tracy — I don’t think it bothered her a bit when her father cleaned out the bank accounts and disappeared. I think it bothered her when he took the $200 from under the mattress.
“But he used that money to produce Springtime for Hitler, so it comes out in a wash.”
KENNSINGER: Wanna bet me a double-C?
ANDY: What?
KENNSINGER: 200 bucks, you wanna give me 200 bucks if I know what your card is?
“Have you never learned Roman numerals, son? If not, then you’re even dumber than you look!”
NEW Dialogue Motif: Get in the game
KENNSINGER: Why do you give a Frenchman’s fuck who she was sleeping with? Get into the game.
Sorry to correct you again, ma’am, but ‘fuck’ is a Germanic word, not a French word. (clears throat) Sorry, pet peeve.
ANDY: The whole thing was a setup? (pause) You’re crazy.
KENNSINGER: Yeah? Then how come I have the jack of clubs in my fucking pocket?!
“Sleight of hand! That’s how, you Oscar baiting shit!”
KENNSINGER: Do me a favor — leave me this scotch.
“You want some cannoli with that?”
ANDY: Was the name of the doctor David Lillienfield?
KENNSINGER: (smirks) Welcome to the game.
… Yeah, okay, ma’am. (golf clap)
ANDY: I’m Dr. Lillienfield. Mr. Hearn wanted me to come by to fill out a change of address card for your billing.
Oh, so the game you’re getting into is lying, is it? Conspiracy to commit billing fraud?
OPERATOR: Why don’t you just write it on the back of the old card and we’ll take care of the rest tomorrow.
That guy’s getting fired in the morning.
(ANDY grabs back door to Lillienfield home)
Man, you’re really gambling that no one’s there. If someone were upstairs, they would have heard the rhythm of the door interrupted and known immediately you were breaking in. That’s some bad recon right there.
(JED walks into frame)
Yeah, sure, I totally didn’t expect that.
TRACY: Take me upstairs and fuck me.
Wow, you’re not one to be subtle.
RETURNING Non-Verbal Signature: Table sweep
Previous instance: A Few Good Men
(ANDY sweeps the cabinet-top clear in a rage)
Who did it better, folks? Answers in the comments.
NEW Dialogue Motif: ‘Whom’ correction
JED: I got a letter today.
TRACY: From who?
JED: ‘Whom’, from whom.
“Alright, whomst’ve sent you a letter?”
JED: From Dr. Kessler.
TRACY: What did he say?
JED: He didn’t say, Tracy, it was a letter. He wrote.
TRACY: Jed, take a drink, take a pill, do whatever it is you have to, but lighten the fuck up.
Took the words right out of my mouth, honey.
TRACY: Come on, what more do you want from the man?
JED: I want him to know it. I want him to know that I was holding the strings.
Ah, the classic conman hubris - just thumb your nose at us, why dontcha?
JED: In the meantime, I think I’ll send him a postcard.
TRACY: There, that’s the spirit.
JED: A picture of me sitting under a palm tree with $10 million in one hand and a copy of his god complex memo in the other.
TRACY: With an inscription.
JED: What would it say?
TRACY: It wouldn’t say anything, it would read.
JED: Attagirl, Trace.
Oh, good lord…
NEW Topical Signature: Genius with a chip on their shoulder
JED: What would it read?
TRACY: “Never underestimate a genius with a chip on his shoulder.”
Yeah, just ask the Santa Fe DA.
(JED slams TRACY against the bedroom door for a kiss)
Alright, we can skip past this — Mr. Sorkin even told everyone this scene wasn’t his!
… Except…
RETURNING Verbal Tic: Let me ask you something
Running count: 2
JED: Let me ask you something — once he found out he was sterile, how long do you think it took him to figure out there was no Dr. Lillienfield?
Man, the more I think about this plot, the more far-fetched it becomes for me. Jed went to the same high school as Andy — did he somehow know back then that he would be the perfect patsy for a scam involving Tracy? They went through a multi-year setup where they got Tracy enrolled as Andy’s student and had them “fall in love”, then had an alternate identity set up for Jed so that Tracy would see him on a regular basis under the cover of fertility counseling, then at some point decided it was time to pull the trigger and had Jed land the Chief of Surgery position at the hospital in their town to get the scam really rolling? (sigh) I’m not cut out for the suspense genre, I guess.
TRACY: I heard they caught the guy, the rapist.
ANDY: Yeah.
TRACY: Well, that must be a load off your mind.
ANDY: (beat) Yeah, it’s great to finally have things back to normal.
(beep) Sarcasm Self Test complete! (beep)
TRACY: I found a hypodermic needle in my bed. I don’t know who put it there, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I didn’t think it was funny — and as you well know, I have a healthy sense of humor. So what I’m saying is this — whoever played that joke is playing in a league they’re just not ready for.
Just like the Cleveland Browns.
ANDY: (to waiter) Ma’am, would you happen to know anything about a drug called Pergonal?
Oh, now that’s an asshole move, man, getting the waiter involved.
TRACY: It’s a fertility drug, Andy — I was trying to get pregnant.
ANDY: A fertility drug… that’s exactly what the lab guys told me.
“They told me in between their sessions of shooting Barbara Walters tapes with a pistol.”
TRACY: The hormone dissolved in the ovaries, you wouldn’t have a clue how much I was taking.
ANDY: That’s right. It’s not like I had a witness. I mean, if I had a witness who saw Jed giving you the injections, then you and Doctor Man would be spending the rest of your sexually active years in a place where if you’re very, very good, they’ll let you work in the laundry.
“So you better start working on your accounting skills, my friend.”
TRACY: You’re bluffing.
ANDY: Tracy — right now, more than anything else in the world, don’t you wish I had finally gotten around to putting up the curtains in the bedroom?
Mother of fuck, is he really putting the life of a kid in danger just to score some money? He’s gone off the deep end…
TRACY: What do you want?
ANDY: What does anybody want? I want the Red Sox to win the World Series.
Case in point, he’s a Red Sox fan now.
TRACY: Cut the shit! What do you want?
ANDY: I want half.
It’s pretty good stuff, right?foreshadowing detected
TRACY: I’m supposed to split the money three ways? I’m supposed to just accept this?
JED: Welcome to the land of “You Don’t Have a Choice”.
“And the home of the lack of free will…” eh, we’re gonna need a new tune for that.
JED: Anything happens to the kid, and I’m the State’s star witness.
Damn, too bad he didn’t keep that conscience.
(JED starts walking away, then slowly stops)
JED: Put it down.
Wait, what? How did you even know? She didn’t cock the thing!
JED: Don’t overestimate yourself, Tracy. Give me the gun.
Trace, if you give him that gun, it will be the last thing you ever do.
(TRACY shoots JED dead)
“Uh, hold on, we loaded that with blanks, right?”
(TRACY dials a number starting with 555)
Ah, the good ol’ 555 — a scheme per the North American Numbering Plan to ensure people wouldn’t prank call actual people with phone numbers seen on TV or in movies. Whatever happened to those days?
ANDY: Hello?
TRACY: It’s me.
So he beat into you the difference between ‘who’ and ‘whom’ but didn’t getting around yet to telling you it’s supposed to be “it’s I” instead of “it’s me”? Maybe you shouldn’t have been so quick to shoot him.
(TRACY stretches open a sheet of plastic wrap)
Oh, so you’re okay with plastic bags when you use them? Hypocrite…
(TRACY places the plastic wrap from behind to reveal the dummy Junior)
“And Stratford Johns was the Chief Commissioner.”
ANDY: Like shooting tuna in a barrel.
Hey, he can say that without mixing his metaphors! Take notes, momma!
(TRACY reaches for a loose baluster, is stopped by a foot holding it down)
HARRIS: I won’t mind shooting you.
Really? That’s the line you use? Not something like: “go ahead, I need the practice”? You’re not one for witty one-liners, are you?
HARRIS: Don’t move, you need a doctor.
ANDY: (chuckles) You hear that, Trace? We need a doctor.
“Huh-huh, it’s funny ‘cause it’s ironic.”
(Neighbor boy exits car, then uses his walking stick to find his way back to his house)
Ah, the Airman O’Malley special! A witness that isn’t actually a witness! I see we still have some signs of life here!
RETURNING Plot Bunny: The Ambiguous Date Ask™
Previous instance: A Few Good Men
HARRIS: You’re supposed to put ice on that.
ANDY: I don’t want any ice.
HARRIS: You need ice.
ANDY: Fine. I’ll have mine in a glass with some scotch.
Uh… are you asking her out on a date? ‘Cause you’ve been kinda verbally abusive to her all movie, man.
ANDY: Single malt, nothing blended. Blended whiskey is crap.
Once again, the first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one.
Alright, where do we stand on Malice as a movie? Well… it’s a movie. I think I’ve already made it clear that Malice doesn’t really live rent-free in my head like every other Sorkin work, and for good reason — it definitely fits the bill of an artist’s sophomore work. It’s hard to say how much of that is the fault of Mr. Sorkin, though — strictly speaking, Mr. Sorkin won the director lottery with A Few Good Men and likely wasn’t quite yet prepared for having the guardrails Rob Reiner had set up for him being removed. It also almost certainly didn’t help that Mr. Sorkin was in a position where he was sharing the writing of the movie with someone else, which as we’ll hear from the horse’s mouth by proxy in a later entry is something he didn’t feel constitutionally capable of doing very well. That isn’t to say Malice is necessarily completely devoid of anything good writing-wise, but the overall structure of the movie essentially dooms it to being little more than a verbal farm system for later Sorkin works.
If you managed to like what you just read, then I’d definitely recommend you subscribe to this blog so you’ll have a better chance of reading something even better. Coming up next: the glorious return of Rob Reiner.
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