Entry 007 - Sports Night 104 (Intellectual Property)
In which we inadvertently get a geography lesson ourselves
SERIES: Sports Night
EPISODE NUMBER: 104
TITLE: Intellectual Property
PREMIERE: 13 Oct 1998
DIRECTOR: Thomas Schlamme
DRAFT SCRIPT: HTML
Alrighty! This time we have a “table draft” script available to us rather than a “final” draft script, so we will have some more to go over in the script department. The changes between draft script and episode are not seimic by any means, but there are quite a few small changes, a good deal of which I think may have been the doing not of Mr. Sorkin himself but of script supervisor Carol McKechnie — whose name I looked up specifically for the purpose of this entry, as we’ll see in one particularly egregious case later as we now step through the episode.
CASEY: And Tanana, who obviously can’t see the end-zone marker under the virgin snow, breaks into his touchdown dance on the ten yard line, only to be given a geography lesson by linebacker Marvin Watkins.
That emphasis Peter Krause places on the word ‘geography’ feels so over-the-top, but in a good way, somehow. I dig it.
CASEY: That’s an incredibly embarrassing moment for any professional athlete, so when we come back, we’re gonna show it to you a couple of more times, if only so that I can keep saying “virgin snow”.
That… seems unprofessional. Surely the show wasn’t programmed to spend more than a minute or two on a mistake like that? If anything, I’d think it get about the same amount of airtime as a SportsCenter “NOT Top 10” entry. I sincerely doubt Dana signed off on a cross-commercial dunking on a single athlete.
DANA: You know what, we’re gonna be fifteen seconds short on the Bucks/Pacers.
I’m still not sure how you know something like that.
CASEY: There’s a fly in the studio.
DANA: A fly?
CASEY: Yes, a big one, it’s been in here about three days now.
DANA: Dave, there’s a fly in the studio?
DAVE: I’m not seeing it.
DANA: Casey says there’s a fly.
DAVE: (to CHRIS) Is there a fly in our studio?
CHRIS: I’m not hearing anything.
DAVE: (to DANA) There ain’t no fly.
DANA: Casey, there’s no fly.
Have you ever heard the word fly repeated so many times in so little time?
CASEY: Dana, there is a fly in the studio the size of a bald eagle. Every time he buzzes my head on a fly-by, it sounds like a sound check at a Black Sabbath concert.
“Or maybe The Who in Cincinnati…”
NEW Verbal Tic: Both at the same time
DANA: Isaac, I see you’re smiling and holding a ratings book both at the same time. What do we know?
ISAAC: We’re not number one, we’re not number two — but we picked up a point and a half with men 18 to 49 and we took it evenly from Fox and Bristol.
I have no fucking idea what’s meant by “a point and a half”, but I like the way it sounds.
NEW Sorkin Drink: Chivas
ISAAC: Plus, I’m always smiling this time of night. You know why?
DANA: Double Chivas on the rocks?
ISAAC: That’s right.
The first step to solving a problem is admitting you have one.
RETURNING Verbal Tic: Here’s the thing
Running count: 3
DANA: Okay, Dan, here’s the thing — you’re gonna be 15 seconds short on the Bucks/Pacers game. I have two options for you — option one is that the attendance at the game, 11,323, turns out to be exactly the same as the population of… (turns to JEREMY)
JEREMY: Hoisington, Kansas.
DANA: Hoisington, Kansas.
DAN: And option two?
DANA: Talk slower.
Good luck with that, this is an Aaron Sorkin work!
NEW Verbal Tic: Almost hard to believe
(CASEY flails wildly at an unseen entity)
DAN: Boy, it’s almost hard to believe we’re in third place.
Yeah, it’s almost as if the intersection between people who appreciate the music of language and people interested in sports is unreasonably small… but I digress.
CASEY: They told me if I took care of my body, my body would take care of me.
This line got truncated from how it is in the draft script: originally, Casey went into a spiel about its being the year he started taking care of himself and listing the things he started doing differently before landing on the above proverb.
RETURNING Plot Bunny: Sabotaged game of Telephone
Previous instance: The American President
DAN: (answers the phone) Hello? (listens; to CASEY) It’s Dana.
CASEY: Hey, I’m not here.
DAN: (to DANA) Yeah, he’s right here. What do you need? (listens) No, he’s not flinching or anything, he seems fine.
CASEY: I’m not fine, I have a broken ankle.
DAN: We got that off the wire.
CASEY: Hey, tell her I have a broken ankle.
DAN: Casey says he has a broken ankle.
CASEY: Yeah, now tell her it hurts.
DAN: He says it hurts.
CASEY: Yeah, now make this part sound dignified and heroic.
DAN: ‘Cause he kicked a fire hydrant on his way back from lunch.
CASEY: (abruptly stands) Would you stop talking about it now?
DAN: ‘Cause he just found out that you were going to Vermont this weekend with Gordon.
CASEY: That is not why! That is not why! (waves his arms)
DAN: Yeah, he’s walking around pretty good now.
As well done as that sequence is, I would have preferred if the inclusion of Dan’s mentioning the trip to Vermont to Dana was removed. We’ll get more into why that is later.
DAN: She said you shouldn’t kick fire hydrants.
CASEY: I didn’t see the fire hydrant.
DAN: What were you trying to kick?
CASEY: You — I was trying to kick you.
DAN: Why?
“Cut! Come on, Josh, you know the line is, ‘Well, you missed.’”
CASEY: You’ve known for a while now that she’s been seeing this guy Gordon.
DAN: Yes.
CASEY: You didn’t tell me.
DAN: Right.
CASEY: Why?
DAN: I thought you might be upset, I can see now I was wrong.
“Sarcasm, thy name is — wait.”
DANA: You know something? I can’t think of the last time I had a good idea.
NATALIE: This segment’s a good idea.
DANA: It’s not a really good idea. It’s a fine idea. It’s a regular idea. You have good ideas a lot. I find myself saying, “Natalie’s got a good idea.”
NATALIE: But you also find yourself saying, “Natalie, if you screw that up again, I’ll set you on fire.”
DANA: That’s true, too, and yet it’s the good idea thing I’m focusing on right now.
Dana in an existential mood and talking about it to Natalie? Here’s a refreshing change of pace!
DANA: What was the last good idea you had?
NATALIE: When I got up this morning, I decided not to stick my hand in the blender.
“I also have this idea of moving to Africa and becoming a White Savior.”
NATALIE: I think the way that you’re handling the Casey situation is very good.
Bechtel Test status: FAIL
Goddamnit, Natalie, is nothing sacred? We finally have a genuine conversation between two women in this show and you had to sabotage it!
DANA: You know, from, like, the second Casey and Lisa split up, everyone in this office is convinced that I have a stategy for getting Casey to fall in love with me.
NATALIE: You’re wrong. We knew you didn’t have a strategy and we’re glad you’ve finally come up with something.
“We”?! Be honest, sister, it’s all you! Dan has only grudgingly followed along, and no one else has shown any signs of giving a shit. Stop acting like you speak for the majority!
NATALIE: You’re going to Vermont for the weekend with Gordon.
DANA: Yes, I am.
NATALIE: And you bought new lingerie.
DANA: Yes, I did.
NATALIE: And you went out of your way to make sure Casey knew you bought new lingerie.
DANA: I did not!
NATALIE: Right, that was me.
Oh, fuck off. You insist Casey “needs a woman”, but all you’ve managed to do is mentally torture a recently-divorced man who had enough on his plate already in that regard. What kind of a friend are you, exactly?
NATALIE: You’re going to Vermont with Gordon and new lingerie.
DANA: Yes, I am, because I choose to, and there’s nothing sinister about it. I like Gordon, and I like Vermont, so I am going with Gordon to Vermont — and I’m taking new lingerie, for me. This is for me.
NATALIE: Well, I gotta say, you got Casey right where you want him.
Present in the table script but not in the final product is a button in which Dana responds to that last accusation with a retraction on “all the things I said about you [sic] having good ideas”. Man alive, would I have liked for that to stay in…
NEW Sorkin Name: Mal(l)ory
MALORY: Hi, I’m Malory Moss. I just started this week, so please pardon the mess.
DAN: That’s fine. Look, there’s a revolving door here on Business Affairs and I go through this with all the new people. My out-of-town expense sheets tend to be a little unusual.
“All I’ll say on the matter is that ‘MX-76’ definitely isn’t weed.”foreshadowing detected
(By the way: yes, Malory is spelled with one L, or at least it is in the table script. I’m at a loss as to why.)
MALORY: During your broadcast on September 5th, you sang Happy Birthday to your partner, Casey McCall.
DAN: Yeah, but I can explain that, I — wait, it was his birthday, why do I have to explain that?
…
MALORY: Listen, I think it’s sweet that you and your partner sing to each other on television. Others may think it’s vaguely gay, but I disagree.
DAN: (looks at woman behind him briefly) Thank you.
You know… I’m not entirely sure how to feel about this moment. We’ll be getting more into it with a future work, but Mr. Sorkin has a tendency to have characters react negatively to appearances of gayness. This shiftiness from Dan is certainly one of the more muted instances of it, so it doesn’t feel particularly egregious, but it does once again bely a troubling throughline we’ll start to see later.
MALORY: You can’t do it anymore.
DAN: Why not?
MALORY: It’s against the law.
DAN: It’s against the law to be vaguely gay?
MALORY: It’s against the law to sing Happy Birthday on television.
DAN: That doesn’t sound quite right to me.
Indeed!
DAN: It’s against the law to sing Happy Birthday on television.
MALORY: Federal copyright law.
DAN: Happy Birthday is protected material.
MALORY: Yes.
DAN: Who holds the copyright to Happy Birthday?
MALORY: The representatives of Mildred and Patty Hill.
DAN: Mildred and Patty Hill.
MALORY: The authors.
DAN: The authors.
MALORY: They wrote it.
DAN: They wrote the song.
MALORY: Did you think that song just happened?
DAN: … Well, yeah.
Unintentional period piece, anyone?
For the record, at the time, “Happy Birthday” was indeed copyrighted material, but the Hills never actually officially held the copyright to the song in the United States despite having written it. Copyright was instead first registered for the song in 1935 by The Summy Company, which after a couple of name changes would be acquired in 1988 by Warner/Chappell Music, who would go on to claim all public performances of the song required paying them royalties. That copyright would later get disputed in court, and on 28 June 2016, the song was officially ruled to be in the public domain in the United States. (Interestingly, the same would not be true for the EU until 1 January 2017, based on a statue there establishing copyright until 70 years after its last surviving author’s death.)
DAN: Would they be happy with an autographed hat?
MALORY: Yes, they would!
DAN: Great. (gets up to leave)
MALORY: Along with $2500.
DAN: I’m sorry?
MALORY: They’ve billed the network $2500.
Couple of changes from the table script here — for one, the script has ‘baseball’ instead of ‘hat’ for the autographing, which I’d be willing to believe is just Josh Charles botching the line in a way that still sounded good. For two, however, across the board the dollar figure of $1000 was changed to $2500. In that case, I’m pretty sure we’ve seen the first instance of Carol McKechnie to the rescue — a reported example from that decade indicated the filmmakers behind the 1994 documentary Hoop Dreams had to pay $5000 to Warner/Chappell for use of the song in the film, so $2500 seems like a more plausible figure than $1000. Kind of wish she caught the company doesn’t really represent the Hills, though…
MALORY: Intellectual property, droit moral, fair use, royalty structure — these things may not mean anything to you, but I assure you they mean a great deal to me…
That speech wasn’t in the table script — instead, we have a crack from Dan about Marilyn Monroe, which was almost certainly a reference to Monroe’s rendition of “Happy Birthday” sung for President Kennedy in 1962.
RETURNING Verbal Tic: Knock ‘em dead
Running count: 2
DAN: You know what? From now on, I am only singing songs from the public domain.
MALORY: That’ll teach ‘em.
DAN: I’m not kidding.
MALORY: Go knock ‘em dead.
“Hello, New York Bar? There’s a lawyer here telling one of her clients to go on a killing spree.”
CASEY: I hold here in my hand a tape of last night’s show. I will put it in the VCR, we shall fast-forward to the portions where I flinch, and you will see in the tape that there is a fly.
JEREMY: I don’t think this really is necessary.
CASEY: You will bear witness. You will bear witness and you will tell everyone that I’m not crazy.
JEREMY: I don’t think anyone thinks you’re crazy.
CASEY: I think they do.
JEREMY: I’m sure you’re wrong.
CASEY: Well, it feels like everyone thinks I’m crazy.
JEREMY: I have a lot of experience with that feeling.
CASEY: Yeah, I’m sure you do.
Oh, good lord — Jeremy’s attempting to have an honest moment of connection with Casey, and Casey is just shitting all over that attempt.
CASEY: This isn’t in my head.
JEREMY: Of course it’s not.
CASEY: No, seriously.
JEREMY: I know.
CASEY: There’s a fly in there.
JEREMY: Maybe he only makes himself visible to you.
CASEY: Maybe he only makes himself visible to me?
JEREMY: Like the rabbit in Harvey.
For the two of you reading who haven’t — take some time out of your day to watch the 1950 film Harvey. Everything you can read about it is true, it is a genuinely delightful film.
RETURNING Verbal Tic: Can I say something
Running count: 2
JEREMY: Can I say something?
CASEY: Yeah.
JEREMY: Can I speak candidly for a moment?
CASEY: That’s fine.
JEREMY: ‘Cause I’m the new guy here and I don’t want to overstep my bounds.
CASEY: You’re not.
JEREMY: I’m not overstepping my bounds?
CASEY: Your bounds are fine. Don’t worry about your bounds.
Man, it’s hard not to talk about how refreshing Jeremy’s change in character has been — at this point, Jeremy genuinely seems to be the only functional adult on the show, and his level-headedness provides a perfect foil to Casey’s unravelling psyche. I only wish Casey’s unravelling were for a better reason…
JEREMY: It just seems to me, what with kicking fire hydrants and your on-air hallucinations, that you’ve gotten your head turned around pretty good.
CASEY: I’m not having hallucinations, the fire hydrant got in my way, and there’s nothing wrong with my head.
JEREMY: Good.
CASEY: I’m not obsessing about Dana.
JEREMY: … Dana?
At this point, it should be noted that this back half of the conversation was basically completely rewritten from how it is in the table script — for the better, I’d argue:
DRAFT JEREMY: You know why women go away for the weekend with men they’re not interested in?
DRAFT CASEY: Why?
DRAFT JEREMY: ‘Cause the men they’re interested in didn’t ask them.
I am very glad that got changed — for one, having Casey slip Dana’s name into the conversation makes for a more natural beat. For two, having Jeremy convinced Dana is interested in Casey simply makes no sense at this point — especially considering what we’ll see him say on the matter in a later scene.
CASEY: Dana’s my friend, Jeremy, she’s been my friend for fifteen years.
Hmm… this feels like a retcon. The first couple of episodes to this show made it seem like their relationship has been strictly a professional one (up to this point) rather than an historically social one — the beat of “250 other people who can produce this show” from the pilot is the strongest example of that. Of course, this won’t be the last time we see Mr. Sorkin thumb his nose at the concept of a TV show bible, so we should be careful of digging too deeply into discrepancies like this one.
NEW Dialogue Motif: Sarcastic “I feel better”
JEREMY: Oh, that?
CASEY: Yeah.
JEREMY: Oh, as far as Vermont is concerned, it is my understanding that the weekend is almost entirely about sex.
CASEY: (pause) Well, that makes me feel, god, so much better.
JEREMY: Sure. (gets up to leave)
So much for Jeremy being the functional adult in the room…
DANA: You have sources?
DAN: We have a healthy hunch.
ISAAC: You have sources?
KIM: Not for attribution.
DANA: Get someone to go on the record, that’s when we’ll get it on the air.
DAN: No one understands the value of a healthy hunch.
ISAAC: Our lawyers understand the value of a healthy hunch. It’s $400 an hour plus court costs.
Once again, a dollar figure changed between table script and episode — $300 was changed to $400. Somehow, I doubt that was the doing of our script supervisor any more than Mr. Guillaume accidentally changing it himself as he spoke.
NEW Dialogue Motif: I’m like Tippi Hedren
DANA: What do we know about the phantom fly?
CASEY: … It’s not a phantom.
DANA: Fine.
CASEY: It’s not a phantom fly, it’s a real fly.
DANA: We believe you.
CASEY: I’m like Tippi Hedren in there.
Wouldn’t that imply you’re being accosted by a multitude of flies rather than a single fly? I think you need to rewatch that movie, Case.
DANA: Nonetheless, the flinching —
CHRIS: It’s like a tic.
WILL: It’s a flinch.
The establishment of Those Two Guys™ continues, I see — though, interestingly, the table script has Kim and Elliot on those two lines rather than Chris and Will. Could our friendly neighborhood script supervisor have put a bug in Mr. Sorkin’s ear about the inconsistency there? Mystery for the ages…
NEW Dialogue Motif: Special powers™
CASEY: There is a fly in the studio, and this is not a normal sized fly, it’s a jumbo fly. It has made a habit now of flying into my monitors at a great velocity. You would think that at this velocity it would blow apart on impact, but apparently this fly has some sort of protective coating that allows it to come right back at me.
ISAAC: Protective coating?
CASEY: Yes.
DANA: Does the fly have any other special powers?
CASEY: No… well, Jeremy thinks it might have some sort of stealth capability.
Wow, way to throw Jeremy under the bus, man…
RETURNING Dialogue Motif: Crawling up one’s ass
Previous instance: A Few Good Men
DAN: I got the intellectual property cops crawling up my butt.
ISAAC: … The intellectual property cops.
DAN: Yeah.
ISAAC: Are crawling up your butt.
DAN: The heat’s all over me.
You should be careful mentioning heat in relation to your rear end, my guy.
DAN: I sang Happy Birthday to Casey on the air.
ISAAC: When?
DAN: Well… on his birthday, Isaac.
ISAAC: Oh, sure.
Double-C on the table says Isaac doesn’t remember when Casey’s birthday is.
NEW Dialogue Motif: Took/Takes N people to write X
ISAAC: Someone holds the copyright to Happy Birthday?
DAN: The representatives of Patty and Mildred Hill.
ISAAC: Took two people to write that song?
DAN: Go figure.
In the table script, instead of the quip about how it took two people to write “Happy Birthday” (which is actually technically an underestimate), we have Dan specify the estate of the Hills as located in Anchorage, Kentucky, which Isaac attempts to correct to Alaska only for Dan to respond with, “Turns out there’s also one in Kentucky.” That is indeed where the Hills were born, for what it’s worth. Isaac’s response to the copyright is frankly more natural in the final product than in the table script, though, so I’d say that was a welcome change.
DAN: I’m putting together a list of songs in the public domain and I’m asking each person to pick a song they’d like to have sung to them on their birthday.
ISAAC: Why are you talking to me?
DAN: For you, I’ve boiled it down to two choices — “Libiamo, Libiamo” by Giuseppe Verdi, or “Yo-Ho-Ho and a Bottle of Rum”.
In the table script, instead of (the slightly misnamed) “Libiamo, Libiamo”, Mr. Sorkin instead attributes to Verdi “Les Trois Capitanes”.
Carol McKechnie is my hero, and Aaron Sorkin thinks Verdi was French.foreshadowing detected
No kidding, I’m very confused as to how Mr. Sorkin could let a mistake like that through, even into a table script. For a man appreciative of language, it should have been immediately obvious to him the language of the song name and the language of the composer’s name do not match.
ISAAC: Are you on any medication right now?
DAN: I’m gonna go with the Verdi.
Side note: as someone who has been in a production of La Traviata, I would definitely not trust an amateur singer to sing “Libiamo ne’ lieti calici” properly. I would have either insisted on the other song or demanded to train Dan for the aria.
NATALIE: Jeremy, Dana’s got me thinking — when was the last time you have a good idea?
Are you fucking kidding me? You sabotaged the conversation when you were having it with Dana, and now you decide it would be better to have the conversation with Jeremy instead? Don’t get me wrong, I like the guy, but you seem to be going out of your way to fail the Bechtel test.
NATALIE: I feel like a freeloader sometimes…
Well, you’ve certainly been freeloading off the plot of this series so far!
NATALIE: I am certain, beyond any doubt, that if Dana and Casey got together as a couple, they would both be very happy. I think that’s a good idea.
JEREMY: That is a virtuous idea, [I don’t know —]
NATALIE: (interrupting) [You don’t think] it’s a good idea?
JEREMY: Well, I’m not really [one to —]
NATALIE: (interrupting) [Tell me what] you think!
JEREMY: I think it’s a bad idea.
Yes! He says what we’re all thinking!
NEW Verbal Tic: Dangling modifier correction
NATALIE: Look who’s talking, you want to spot-shadow the outside linebacker.
JEREMY: Inside linebacker!
NATALIE: They are meant for each other!
JEREMY: The inside and outside linebacker?
NATALIE: I meant Dana and Casey.
JEREMY: I think the inside and outside linebacker have a better chance.
Interestingly, this dangling modifier correction wasn’t present in the table draft — instead, we have Jeremy return with the following:
DRAFT JEREMY: Wasn’t it your idea to hire me?
DRAFT NATALIE: Yes.
DRAFT JEREMY: There you go.
Man alive, would I have liked something like that to have stayed in — Jeremy’s growing confidence really would have been fully established by the implication he makes with that question. At the same time, though, I don’t know if Natalie deserves to be made to feel better like that.
DAN: Twelve for 19 from the field, 11 rebounds, 13 assists, add it all up and it’s what the old folks call a triple-double.
CASEY: It’s what the Germans call a dreifach verdopplen, in Japanese it’s toripulu daburu, and it’s rawa-ingwa-oo for those of you who speak the ancient language of Acadian.
See what I meant earlier about Mr. Sorkin’s being an appreciator of language? This is just straight up language porn right here, and I’m all for it.
DANA: The ancient language of Acadian?
JEREMY: That was me.
Jeremy has been very well integrated into the staff now, I see.
DAN: By the way, you know what you got me for my birthday? A box of Mallomars.
CASEY: You like Mallomars.
DAN: I love Mallomars, but these weren’t $2500 Mallomars.
CASEY: They were good Mallomars.
DAN: They were fine Mallomars. All I’m saying is that you could have had the four remaining Spice Girls serve them to me in hot pants, I’d still say I got gyped.
Another word change to note: we went from “you owe me money” to “I got gyped”. Again, I’d be willing to believe Josh Charles simply changed the wording on the fly without incurring Mr. Sorkin’s wrath in the process, but it’s again just as likely the line was rewritten in a later draft.
Side note: for those who had to look it up like I did, Mallomars are a seasonally-available snack that appears to be the Milk Duds-box equivalent of s’mores. I personally don’t like s’mores enough to eat them in such a format, but you do you, Dan.
DAN: How’s your ankle?
CASEY: Broken.
DAN: … You know what? “Frère Jacques” for you on your birthday next year — one chorus.
Once again, it would appear Josh Charles may have decided to throw in a change — the “one chorus” addendum is not present in the table draft.
DANA: Vermont!
KIM: Gordon just called from his car, he’s downstairs.
DANA: I’m on my way. I am on my way to Vermont. Five hours from now, I shall be in Vermont. Do you know what I’m doing right now?
KIM: Going to Vermont?
DANA: That’s right.
Well, no, you’re just standing around talking about going to Vermont…
CASEY: Good night, have a good weekend.
DANA: I will.
CASEY: (leaving, under his breath) I bet you will.
DANA: What was that?
CASEY: (stops) I said I bet you will.
DANA: You bet I will?
CASEY: Yeah.
DANA: What does that mean?
Oh, Dana — are you really so insecure that you have to ask that? You could have just assumed it was a friendly offering and left it alone.
CASEY: Dana, I want you to go to Vermont. I want you to have a good time. I’m all for it, really, I am.
See?
CASEY: Except for this — I don’t think you should go.
Wait — what the fuck, Casey?!
RETURNING Verbal Tic: Dangling modifier correction
Running count: 2
CASEY: Saturday the 2nd, Aztec Two-Step at the Bottom Line with Gordon. Sunday the 10th, Turandot with Gordon at Lincoln Center — and I’m assuming, although your modifier was dangling, that you’re going with Gordon to see Turandot, not going to see Gordon in Turandot.
That’s a bold assumption to make, Casey — you never know when your average lawyer is a frequent opera chorister. Heck, my usual opera chorus has a brain surgeon amongst its regulars, you never know!
DANA: Knock it off.
CASEY: Knock what off?
DANA: This! This! Knock it off.
Stunning specificity, man…
DANA: You’ve been doing this since college, and we’re not doing it anymore.
CASEY: We’re not doing what anymore?
DANA: Every time your life starts to spin out of control, you come after me — and you make me feel like you feel a certain way when you really don’t. You did it in college, you did it in Dallas, you did it in L.A., and you’re doing it now.
The retcon continues: here, Dana seems to imply Casey even made overtures to cheat on his wife on multiple occasions over the years — this despite her thinking he thinks 250 other people could do her job better than her. Given how Casey seemed to be thoroughly whipped by his divorce from Lisa in the pilot, I’m not buying this implication from Dana.
DANA: I don’t think you’re cute, I don’t think you’re funny, I don’t think you’re smart, and sometimes I don’t think you’re very nice.
CASEY: (pause) You don’t think I’m funny?
You really gonna imply she was three for four on that one, Case? At best, the only thing she got right was the “not nice” one.
CASEY: I apologize for nothing. (DANA stops) Well, that’s not true. I apologize for some things… but not a lot of things… a few things… several things… I apologize for about half the things.
Stunning specificity, once again…
RETURNING Verbal Tic: What do you want from me
Running count: 3
DANA: Good night.
CASEY: What do you want from me? I married Lisa.
DANA: Yes, you did.
CASEY: Well, now I’m not married to Lisa.
DANA: Lisa was a friend of mine.
CASEY: Lisa can’t stand you.
DANA: Lisa can’t stand you.
CASEY: Lisa can’t stand Lisa.
Oh, good god, these two really are just petulant children at this point. We seriously need an adult to step in. Hey, Jeremy, could you help out here?
CASEY: I want badly to see you naked!
(JEREMY starts coming around the corner)
DANA: Yeah, you better want to see me naked!
(JEREMY stops, stares for a moment, then turns around and leaves)
Okay, yeah, that’s fair, I’d probably give up in the moment, too.
DANA: You know what I do when my life is starting to spin out of control? I buy a new lamp. Every time I’m starting to lose it just a little, I buy a lamp.
CASEY: Well, you must have one well lit apartment ‘cause, lady, you turned a corner somewhere.
Dude?! Are you looking to get fired?!
DANA: You and I know that it’s not about me, it’s about you [sic] being a lunatic!
CASEY: Look, Dana, you seem to be under the impression that I’m harboring some kind of love for you.
DANA: No! You’re under that impression, but I know that it’s in your head, just like the fly!
CASEY: A) I am not feeling what you think I’m feeling, B) if I were feeling what you think I’m feeling it wouldn’t be in my head, and C) you have serious feelings for me that only now are you being forced to confront and that will likely send you into a lamp-buying frenzy.
DANA: OKAY! Let’s review this, I don’t think you quite have this. I have utterly no feelings for you whatsoever, you are monumentally interested in me, only you’re not, ‘cause it’s all in your head!
CASEY: Like the fly?
DANA: Like the fly!
CASEY: Okay, so just to sum up — you’re critically deranged!
Good fucking god, these two are yelling over fucking nothing. Could you just fucking stop?
DANA: … it is not fair to me. It’s not good for you, it’s not good for me, and it’s not good for the show, so knock it off.
Finally, we get someone to speak the actual point instead of just shouting things at each other! Think you can find it in yourself to apologize, Casey?
GORDON: (O.S.) Dana?
Shit.
NEW Sorkin Player: Ted McGinley
Character: Gordon
CASEY: Hey, Gordon — Casey McCall.
GORDON: Hey, great to meet you, I’m a big fan.
For now!
CASEY: You guys are gonna get about eight to ten inches of new powder up at Sugarbush, I checked the wire for you.
Uh… why? Were you just looking it up to torture yourself? You clearly didn’t gather that information just to have it as a conversational item for Gordon.
DANA: (swats at a non-existent fly, then looks around) Son of a gun…
(heavy sigh) I could have done without that button. This is shaping up to be far from the greatest love story ever told, I’m not sold on Dana joining in on the Tippi Hedren psychosis.
… Still a better love story than Twilight, though.
Okay, well… I think it’s pretty clear that I don’t think very highly of this episode. Natalie’s continued role of being a walking Bechtel test failure is basically turned up to eleven with this episode, and Casey’s acting like a child on the same matter, while certainly within the genre, serves to compound my frustration with the storyline. The subplot around the copyright on “Happy Birthday” is entertaining enough, particularly with Josh Charles’ performance shepherding it, but it frankly doesn’t carry the episode enough to justify the main plot for me. I suppose it was necessary to have a lighter episode between two character development-heavy episodes, and I will begrudgingly appreciate as much, but I really do wish that had been pulled off in a better way.
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