Entry 012 - Sports Night 109 (The Quality of Mercy at 29K)

SERIES: Sports Night

EPISODE NUMBER: 109

TITLE: The Quality of Mercy at 29K

PREMIERE: 1 Dec 1998

WRITING CREDITS: Bill Wrubel and Aaron Sorkin

DIRECTOR: Thomas Schlamme

If you’re the type to listen to public radio, then you’ve likely landed on your public radio station during a pledge week. (It is, in fact, that time of year for my public radio station as of my writing this introduction.) If your public radio station is worth its salt, of course, it will repeat the following words or some variation on them during that pledge week: “Any amount helps.” In many cases, the words have the intended effect — those who feel like they don’t have enough to contribute meaningfully will receive the impetus to donate a smaller amount ($5, say) instead of the hundreds or thousands that get name value. The macro-level effect is many people donating a little, which ends up with the same end result for the non-profit as one person donating a lot when a sufficient number of people participate.

That line of thought appears to be lost on some people, if this episode is any indication — but perhaps that’s beside the point, given the conclusion of said episode. Let’s dive into it.

DAN: The Olympic gold medal-winning gymnast and high school sophomore said that after all those years of hard work, it was a relief to finally realize her life-long dream. Good to get that out of the way at fifteen.

Obligatory wet blanket note: the 1998 Winter Olympics took place from 7 to 22 February 1998, so this fake news item is rather mistimed. Certainly a realistic news item, otherwise…

JEREMY: Twenty-nine thousand feet, you know how tall that is?

WILL: It’s 29,000 feet.

JEREMY: Yes.

CHRIS: It’s actually 29,029 feet.

DANA: But it’s those last ten yards that’ll kill ya.

JEREMY: It’s huge — it’s 8,848 meters.

NATALIE: It sounds more impressive at 29,000 feet.

That’s only because you’re an imperial units chauvinist.

JEREMY: Alright, I’m gonna stick with 29,000 feet.

Oh, but of course Jeremy is going to agree with you…

JEREMY: I don’t think you people are quite getting into The Spirit of the Hill.

KIM: The spirit of the hill?

JEREMY: The Spirit of the Hill!

DANA: How about this — if I shot you out of a missile silo, you’d have to go 29,000 feet in order to clear the peak of Everest, land on a pile of rocks in Tibet, and shut the hell up.

What did that mountain ever do to you, Dana? That’s twice that you’ve tweaked its nose already — and not even a month after tempting the wrath of Thespis, no less…

NEW Dialogue Motif: Not fit for man nor beast

CASEY: Cold outside?

DAN: Not fit for man nor beast out there, but here I am.

Well, Dan, you could always pull a Casey and sleep at the office to avoid the uninhabitable outdoors.

DAN: A couple of months ago, I wrote a check to someone, now I’m in the middle of Dickensian London. I’d love to give money to all these people, but then I’d have no money and I’d need somebody’s mailing list just to pay rent.

CASEY: Eh, it’s a vicious circle.

DAN: It is.

CASEY: It’s a never-ending circle.

DAN: Just keeps going round and round.

CASEY: Never ends.

DAN: Which is what makes it vicious.

CASEY: And a circle.

(sigh) I see the laugh track is back with a vengeance…

Also, not to be a wet blanket again, but what makes a circle vicious is that the compounding effect it brings about is an undesirable one, not that it never ends — a virtuous circle also theoretically never ends, but its compounding effect is a desirable one, hence why it’s not considered vicious. … Okay, I’ll shut up.

DAN: I talk a pretty good game, but in the end I just sit there completely inactive.

CASEY: Ah, like the trusty basset hound.

DAN: Yes.

CASEY: Except basset hounds don’t talk a good game.

DAN: Right.

CASEY: They can’t talk at all, Danny.

Sounds like Casey has never gotten an earful about Old Reliable…

CASEY: Let’s take a look. (DAN hands over the letters) The Montgomery Symphony Orchestra.

DAN: Montgomery, Alabama?

CASEY: Who cares? (tosses letter aside)

For what it’s worth — there’s actually a Montgomery in Orange County, New York, not too far upstate from the Big Apple. It’s a rather small town, though, so I doubt it has its own symphony orchestra.

DAN: What’s wrong with music and why shouldn’t Montgomery have some?

CASEY: Well, there’s nothing wrong with music, and Montgomery obviously does have some, but this is about prioritizing and I don’t think the world is suffering from a lack of quality symphony orchestras, do you?

…

DAN: But music, culture, the arts — these things shouldn’t be confined to just New York and Vienna.

Correct, Dan! There is, for example, Winston-Salem, where you get way more than you pay for! (Disclaimer: I sing for both groups linked.)

DAN: What’s the next one?

CASEY: The American Heart Association.

DAN: Oh, and I suppose they’re trying to cure disease.

CASEY: Tell ya what, why don’t you have your new friends in Alabama play ‘em some Beethoven?

I don’t know, Casey, some Beethoven music will raise the heart rate in a way that would probably exacerbate someone’s heart disease. Something like Debussy is probably the safer choice.

DANA: Natalie, you’ve got something from building security?

NATALIE: Yes, they say with the cold weather already here, some of our local homeless have begun spending the night in the atrium of the Sixth Avenue lobby.

Alrighty, we’re going to have to put a pin on this piece of information here and come back to it — as I mentioned three entries ago, the Sports Night fandom appears to disagree as to where in New York to place the Sports Night set. This note from building security is our first piece of evidence that Mr. Sorkin potentially had a particular location in mind — or simply wanted to place them vaguely in central Manhattan, for that matter. Some people have nonetheless suggested otherwise… but I’ll save that for yet another entry.

NATALIE: If we see anyone, we’re supposed to call security at 1-1-6.

DAN: Wait a second, shouldn’t we be doing something for them?

CASEY: Like what?

DAN: What do they need?

CASEY: The homeless?

DAN: Yeah.

CASEY: They need homes.

Man, if you want to talk actually vicious circles — in order to get a home, you need the money or equivalent credit. In order to get said money or credit, you need a job or some other source of income. In order to get a job, you need a home address for the application. In order to get a home address, you need a home. In order to get a home, you need the money…

DANA: Where are they right now?

ELLIOT: Camp four, about 2500 feet below the summit.

JEREMY: That’s where the toe holds start getting pretty scarce.

CASEY: Yeah, tell me about it.

JEREMY: Radio contact has been coming in and out, but as far as we know —

DANA: Excuse me — did you just say “tell me about it”?

It would appear so…

DANA: Jeremy said, “toe holds start getting pretty scarce,” and you said, “tell me about it.”

CASEY: Yes.

DANA: Implying that…

CASEY: I climb.

ISAAC: You climb?

CASEY: I climb, I’m a climber.

What, do you climb in between your games of co-ed rugby?

CASEY: You know, mock me if you must, but I hold in my heart what few men possess.

DANA: A one year membership to the Big Apple Health and Racquet Club?

CASEY: The Spirit of the Hill.

JEREMY: Tell ‘em, Casey!

DANA: Yeah, tell us.

CASEY: … There’s a hill… spirit…

JEREMY: Man, did you drop the ball!

CASEY: Oh, like you’ve climbed Kilimanjaro!

No, come on, guys! This is exactly what Dana wants, for you two to turn on each other!^{foreshadowing detected}

DANA: So, you all know the drill for today?

(general assent)

DANA: Do you?

(more assertive assent)

DANA: You don’t, do you?

DAN: We do, we understand the drill.

DANA: We do our regular Sunday show —

CASEY: And she’s still going to tell us.

Ain’t that the finest exposition dump lampshading there is…

RETURNING Verbal Tic: Musical theatre appeal

^{Running count: 3}

ISAAC: Where are you taking your niece?

DANA: The Lion King.

ISAAC: She’ll love it.

DANA: Yeah, whatever — I could really live without a Broadway musical today.

ISAAC: I think it’ll be good for you.

“And my opinion is totally not biased in any way.”

ISAAC: How long ago did you get your tickets?

DANA: Uh, I haven’t gotten them yet.

ISAAC: You haven’t gotten them yet?

DANA: I’ve got the box office number right here, I was just gonna call.

ISAAC: Dana, the show’s sold out. You can’t just get tickets.

DANA: Don’t be ridiculous, Isaac, it’s a children’s show.

Like something’s being a “children’s show” has ever stopped adults from fawning over it — just ask Mike and Bryan.

DANA: (into phone) Hi, I’d like two of your best seats for this afternoon’s matinée — anything between the eighth and the twelfth rows, in the center, and if I end up with an obstructed view, you’re going to have a very angry woman on your hands. … Yes. … Yes.

ISAAC: What’s he saying?

DANA: It’s tough to tell, he’s laughing pretty hard.

I know this subplot ends up having a happy ending, but at the same time the setup for it really paints Dana out to be a rather overwhelmingly naïve woman. I stated in my last entry how I’ve yet to be given reason to cheer for Dana, and this sequence from her doesn’t help at all. Someone had to be a sacrificial lamb for the subplot, I guess…

ISAAC: Take them.

DANA: What’s this?

ISAAC: Two tickets to the Lion King.

“They’re comp tickets — wait, I’m not supposed to say that.”

DANA: These are wasted on me, Isaac, you should give these to a theatre lover.

ISAAC: You should become a theatre lover.

DANA: Ugh… I’ve tried, I’ve really tried, but the singing and the dancing, and there’s oftentimes a hoedown —

ISAAC: There’s no hoedown.

DANA: Don’t tell me there’s no hoedown, mister, I’ve been there.

Would you prefer an Irish drinking song?

ISAAC: Nothing wrong with a good hoedown.

Ryan Stiles would beg to differ.

CASEY: I’m starving.

No, you’re not.

CASEY: Did you tell them that I’m starving?

ELLIOT: Yes.

CASEY: And?

ELLIOT: They really seemed to care.

They did? Oh, you mean they didn’t, you ungrammatical sonuva—

RETURNING Verbal Tic: Let me ask you something

^{Running count: 3}

DAN: Nat, let me ask you something.

NATALIE: What?

DAN: What do you do with your money?

NATALIE: What do I do with my money?

DAN: Yeah.

NATALIE: Well, my portfolio’s pretty much tied up in food and shelter, Dan.

Further proof this show isn’t shot in New York: Natalie didn’t mention water in that list — and New Yorkers love to brag about how good their tap water is.

DAN: I’ve got some extra money and I don’t know what to do with it.

NATALIE: Wow, that must really suck.

DAN: Yeah, it’s a tough decision, ‘cause when you’re trying to… alright, I see what you’re saying.

Took you long enough…

NATALIE: AIDS.

DAN: Yeah?

NATALIE: Every once in a while, if I have a few extra dollars, I’ll give it to an AIDS group.

“It was either that or move to Africa and become a White Savior.”

NATALIE: It’s only a little bit.

DAN: A little is better than nothing.

Oh, hey, Dan’s coming around the message I mentioned at the top?

DAN: The thing is, more people die of breast cancer every year than die of AIDS, more people die of diabetes, about twenty times as many die of heart disease, but the government doesn’t spend as much money researching those. It’s not that we shouldn’t be trying to cure AIDS, it’s just that we should be trying to cure everything.

Never mind, the message seems to have flown directly over his head. Holy hell, are you overthinking it, my guy — ¿por qué no todos? Just give a little to them all!

RETURNING Dialogue Motif: Get in the game

^{Previous instance: Malice}

NATALIE: There’s really no end to what we can do. Know what the trick is?

DAN: What?

NATALIE: Get in the game.

Add on to that “any amount helps” — that really is the thing escaping Dan’s mind at this point, folks.

JEREMY: Seven hundred people have made the summit.

CASEY: How many have died trying?

JEREMY: One in four — last year, fifteen died and that’s the most since Hillary made it in ‘53.

Yikes — Carol dropped the ball on this one. Two problems with Jeremy’s statement:

• The one-in-four statistic is for K2, not for Mount Everest.
• The fifteen deaths in question were from the year 1996, not 1997, and those deaths were due to a freak blizzard and the guides’ mishandling of their clients with regard to that blizzard.

JEREMY: Some of them die from something called cerebral edema. It’s a high-altitude sickness that leaves its victims so disoriented, they literally can’t save themselves. They sit there knowing that if they don’t move, they’re going to freeze to death, but they don’t do anything about it because their brain isn’t giving them enough oxygen to care.

Eh… closer to the ballpark of fact, I suppose — the condition of high-altitude cerebral edema strictly speaking is a condition where fluid build-up in the brain causes reduced function, rather than just the supply of oxygen being scarce. The description Jeremy provides of one of its symptoms certainly sounds far-fetched, but lethargy is technically a known symptom of the condition, which is likely what’s being embellished herein.

CASEY: You think you’d ever try it?

JEREMY: Who, me?

CASEY: Yeah.

…

JEREMY: Would I climb Everest?

CASEY: Yeah.

JEREMY: Maybe — if I could do it right now, before I really have anything to live for.

Dude?! You want to try choosing your words a little more carefully?

CASEY: You’ve got stuff to live for.

JEREMY: Not as much as I’m hoping I’ll have to live for — later, after I’ve lived a little while longer.

Another toe jam sandwich for Jeremy, I guess…

RETURNING Verbal Tic: How ya doin’

^{Running count: 3}

NATALIE: Hi.

JEREMY: How ya doin’?

NATALIE: Pretty good.

JEREMY: Excellent.

NATALIE: Yes.

JEREMY: Casey and I were just talking about cerebral edema.

NATALIE: Cool.

JEREMY: Yeah.

NATALIE: This is ridiculous.

Hey, at least he didn’t try to kick off the conversation with the weather this time.

JEREMY: Let’s just go out and be done with it.

NATALIE: That’s right.

JEREMY: So what if it’s unprofessional?

NATALIE: You think it’s unprofessional?

JEREMY: I didn’t say that.

NATALIE: You did say that.

JEREMY: Yeah, but I didn’t mean it.

“I think you did mean it—” wait, the repetition ends there, my bad.

NATALIE: Look, we have to have an understanding. At work, we just work — professional, no furtive glances, no smiling at each other, or flirting by the coffee. Right?

JEREMY: Absolutely. (NATALIE kisses him) I think that’s the trick, we just concentrate on the show and leave the rest for after.

NATALIE: I agree.

JEREMY: Good. (NATALIE kisses him again) I think we’re going to need a new plan.

No kidding.

JEREMY: I’ll tell you this — any small glimmer of a chance that I was going to climb Everest has completely vanished.

Damn, is that a hell of a line — but even so, she has no idea what you’re talking about, man. Not that she seems to care, of course…

DAN: You make a lot of charitible donations, don’t you?

ISAAC: I try.

DAN: Who do you give your money to?

ISAAC: I used to donate money to the Democratic Party.

DAN: Not anymore?

ISAAC: Well, you get your heart broken enough times, you learn your lesson.

Ah, now see, Isaac, the trick is to give to local Democratic party chapters, not to the DNC at large! You get considerably more bang for your buck that way, as much as people fail to notice as much. The real governing happens at the local level, folks!

ISAAC: Danny, every morning I leave an acre and a half of the most beautiful property in New Canaan, get on a train, and come to work in a 54-story glass high-rise.

So the Sports Night set is in a 54-story building with an entrance on Sixth Avenue. Got it, saving that for later.

ISAAC: In between, I step over bodies to get here — 20, 30, 50 of them a day — so as I’m stepping over them, I reach into my pocket and give them whatever I’ve got.

You know, far be it from me to judge, but have you ever considered splitting up your acre and a half and building multiple homes on that property so you could house some low-income families? Or maybe a low-income apartment complex, if you want to aim for that 20-50 mark instead of five or six? An acre and a half is an awful lot for someone who’s not a farmer.

DAN: You’re not afraid they’re going to spend it on booze?

ISAAC: I’m hoping they’re going to spend it on booze. Look, Danny, these people, most of them, it’s not like they’re one hot meal away from turning it around. For most of them, the clock’s pretty much run out. They’ll be home soon enough. What’s wrong with giving them a little novocaine to get ‘em through the night?

That’s… actually a rather humane train of thought, as dark and condescending as it may sound. The problem, of course, is when that novocaine becomes a habit they can’t climb out of, but one thing at a time, I suppose…

DANA: (O.S.) OH! MY! GOD!

Here we go.

DANA: I don’t think you’ve lived until you have seen this show!

ISAAC: You liked it?

DANA: Liked it? I don’t know where to start!

ISAAC: That’s wonderful.

DANA: I honestly — I don’t know where to start!

ISAAC: Why don’t you organize your thoughts and get back to us?

DANA: The lights go out, and this woman with a voice of thunder, this woman, she summons all the animals…

“Woman”?! Hello?! Are you sure you don’t want to organize your thoughts first, Dana?!

DANA: I gotta go tell everybody! Can I go tell everybody?

ISAAC: Go tell everybody.

DANA: Thank you, Isaac.

ISAAC: You’re welcome.

DANA: Thank you for the tickets.

ISAAC: You’re welcome.

DANA: Thank you for everything. Thank you for opening my eyes to possibilities that would have gone heretofore unexplored in a life that while ultimately —

ISAAC: Go, go!

Wait, she forgot to thank you for calling the animals!

KIM: Nobody’s delivering.

CASEY: But we’re in New York City!

KIM: Yes, I know, I recognize the big buildings.

“They have kind of a matte coloring these days, but they’re still recognizable…”

DANA: Casey, listen to what happened to me!

CASEY: I’m looking for dead bugs.

DANA: I — I went to a show.

CASEY: Please tell me you have Milk Duds in your purse.

DANA: Don’t you want to hear what happened to me?

CASEY: Not unless you held up a deli during intermission.

DANA: I believe in the power of the theatre.

CASEY: Well, that’s good. I believe in the power of a roast beef sandwich, so I really don’t have time to talk.

I believe what we have here is the textbook definition of someone being ‘hangry’.

NEW Dialogue Motif: [Really] [quite] something

DANA: It was really quite something. The music began, and I just started to cry. I don’t know where it came from. … I didn’t know we could do that. (laughs) Did you know we could do that?

CASEY: Well, when I forget, something usually reminds me.

You know… I suppose there’s something to be said about Casey’s being the first person Dana assaults with her happiness after Isaac. This exchange is certainly a heartwarming one — but more as a pair of friends than anything else that may or may not have had implication attempted. Frankly, I’m fucking relieved Natalie has ostensibly jumped off the shipping bandwagon on this one at this point, and exchanges like this one only prove to me their friendship is plenty enough.

DAN: That’s all for this edition of Sports Night, but don’t go too far. Casey and I will be back at 2am to throw it to our team in Nepal — full coverage of the Everest summit.

CASEY: By the way, none of us have eaten, so if you happen to be walking by the building with a pizza —

DANA: Dan!

DAN: You’ve been watching Sports Night on CSC, we’ll see you later.

Okay, Casey — two things you need to know about: the teleprompter and the FCC.^{foreshadowing detected}

JEREMY: I’ll be in editing with Casey.

NATALIE: That’s the professional thing to do.

JEREMY: And we’re professionals.

NATALIE: You bet your sexy little butt, we are.

Oh, good lord…

RETURNING Verbal Tic: I’ll tell you what else

^{Running count: 2}

DANA: I’ll tell you what else — that wasn’t my last Broadway musical, either. I’m hooked, absolutely hooked. Chris, Will, Dave, you guys like the theatre?

…

WILL: It’s not my cup of tea.

DANA: That’s what I used to say. The trick is, you find the ones without the hoedowns.

“Yeah, I think I’ll just stick to playing a sentry instead, ma’am.”

CASEY: You think they’re going to make it?

JEREMY: If they don’t, someone else will.

CASEY: What if the gods don’t give permission to climb so close?

JEREMY: The gods can stick it.

YEAH! FUCK THE GODS, WOO!!

JEREMY: … I don’t think anyone should tell us how high we can climb. That’s Mount Everest, the highest peak on the planet — you see a lock on the door and a ‘do not disturb’ sign?

CASEY: It’s five miles of ice straight up.

JEREMY: Piece of cake.

You know… it just occurred to me, with this episode airing in December the ascent in question is occurring during the Northern hemisphere winter, which seems straight up stupid to me. Are we sure we want to call it a piece of cake, Jeremy?

CASEY: What’s gotten into you?

JEREMY: I think I’m in love with Natalie.

You think?^{foreshadowing detected}

CASEY: It’s helpful to know that the summit of Everest is much smaller than you probably imagine — really no bigger than the top of a dining room table.

I took the opportunity to look it up and found contradictory figures as to the surface area of the summit of Mount Everest. One post I found on Quora clarified the contradiction by saying that while the very top mound of Everest is roughly 3 square meters, the area from which you can have an unobstructed 360 degree view is closer to 25 square meters. The dining room table remark almost certainly refers to the former, but as noted in the linked post it’s much too dangerous to stand on that particular mound of ice, so perhaps that comparison shouldn’t really stand.

NEW Sorkin Name: Mike

CASEY: Mike, I understand that before they’ll attempt Everest, the sherpas perform a prayer ceremony in which they ask permission to tread so close to the gods.

MIKE: Casey, that’s a ceremony called a puja, and I promise you the climbers take it very seriously.

CASEY: What happens if permission is denied? What if the gods deem us not worthy enough to climb up near them? (long pause) Mike? (pause)

DAN: Libby, Mike, can you hear us?

MIKE: Yeah, Dan, looks like there’s going to be another hold.

Wow, way to dodge the question.

CASEY: Dana, are they going to be okay?

DANA: Yeah.

DAN: You sure?

DANA: Yeah — they’re gonna be fine.

CASEY: Then could we possibly get a large glazed ham in here?

DAN: A pot of beef stew?

You just had to take a potentially tender moment and turn it into a discussion about food, didn’t you?

CASEY: Hey, did you solve your problem yet?

DAN: On how to be a guilt-free altruist?

CASEY: Yeah.

DAN: It’s easier being a miser.

Oh, come now, is not mankind your business, Dan?

RETURNING Verbal Tic: Can I say something

^{Running count: 3}

CASEY: Can I say something?

DAN: Sure.

CASEY: You’re not going to solve everybody’s problems — in fact, you’re not going to solve anybody’s problems, so you know what you should do?

DAN: What?

CASEY: Anything — as much of it and as often as you can.

Oh, Casey, you are just so close to the root of Dan’s mental block and yet so far — “as much of it” as possible strays away from the message Dan needs in an ambiguous way. Maybe there’s another way to communicate the solution to Dan…

NEW Sorkin Player: Felton Perry

^{Character: homeless man}

(DAN stops at the sight of a homeless man standing in his office)

DAN: Whoa… how did you get up here? (no response) You’re not supposed to be up here. (beat) Did they chase you out from downstairs? (the man nods)

…

ELLIOT: You want me to call security?

DAN: (thinks on it) No, Elliot — it’s okay.

ELLIOT: You sure?

DAN: (pause) It’s alright.

Prove it, Dan.

DAN: I got a half a turkey sandwich. (beat) I tell you what — I’m gonna sit with you, while you eat…

Dan took Isaac’s words to heart here, for sure — and a turkey sandwich definitely beats booze or novocaine. Certainly, our homeless man here seems to appreciate the gesture:

(Homeless man puts a hand in his pocket)

DAN: No, no, no, you don’t have to pay me.

(Homeless man pulls out a switchblade)

DAN: Whoa, hey, take it easy.

(Homeless man cuts the sandwich in half and offers a half to DAN)

I suspect some people watching this for the first time probably considered this detail unrealistic, but it is actually quite realistic — many homeless people want to lend to themselves a sense of pride or dignity in some capacity, and giving back to someone providing them with charity is the surest way for someone in that position to do so. It’s part of why some homeless people are loathe to take themselves to a homeless shelter, too — but that’s a story for another time, I suppose.

NEW Dialogue Motif: Look at what we can do

DAN: Look at what we can do.

And look at what you did, my man! You did something! Any amount helps! Even if it’s just half a turkey sandwich! (And you’re reading a vegetarian saying that, even!)

This episode is obviously not a plot-heavy episode, but it definitely works for what it is: an appeal to charitable thinking (and an appeal to musical theatre). It does personally frustrate me that it doesn’t occur to Dan earlier that charity doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing approach, but I suppose when you’re as public a figure as he is that way of thinking can be hard to avoid. Strictly speaking, we don’t see Dan get out of that way of thinking, but Dan’s interaction with a homeless man at the end certainly can be seen as the start of seeing the light in that regard, knowing that the smallest things can help greatly. (Heck, it doesn’t even have to be money, folks — organize a blood drive for the Red Cross at your place of work, if you can.) The subplot of Jeremy and Natalie has honestly yet to capture my full attention, but I don’t want to call the putt too early on that one.

Once you’re done sending five dollars to every local charity you can name off the top of your head, be sure to subscribe to this blog so you can have each new entry delivered directly to you when it comes out. Coming up next: aces bet.