Entry 015 - Sports Night 112 (Smoky)
In which we ask for the laugh
SERIES: Sports Night
EPISODE NUMBER: 112
TITLE: Smoky
PREMIERE: 5 Jan 1999
DIRECTOR: Robert Berlinger
DRAFT SCRIPT: HTML
Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to one of the greatest screenplay production notes ever written and published:
REMINDER: THIS EPISODE WILL AIR WELL BEFORE THE “SALLY” EPISODE, IN WHICH CASEY, GORDON, AND SALLY HAVE ALL SLEPT TOGETHER IN VARIOUS COMBINATIONS.
“In various combinations”, you say? Did you mean to imply what can be very easily inferred? Are we to believe Casey will actually be able to comment on Gordon’s prowess in the future?
Unfortunately for everyone involved, the episode doesn’t much live up to the promise of that production note. The pattern with this show so far appears to be to follow up a drama-heavy episode with an episode that noticeably takes the laugh track out for a spin, and this episode does not disappoint in that regard, as disappointing as that is to me. In point of fact, the laugh track comes back in a very heavy-handed manner that makes me question some of Mr. Sorkin’s choices — but we’ll discuss that more later as we now step through the episode.
CASEY: (reading) Messersmith won the gold medal in the pole vault with a leap of 238 feet, six inches?
NATALIE: That doesn’t sound right.
CASEY: It lacks a ring of truth, yes.
Hey, you never know, maybe Jiminy decided to follow Pinocchio’s lead.
CASEY: Why are you staring at me?
DAN: Because it’s time.
No, it’s not.
CASEY: It’s not time.
Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to step on you, Casey.
DAN: You need to start meeting women.
CASEY: I’ve met many women.
DAN: No, you haven’t. You haven’t met many women — and that’s why I’m here.
CASEY: Boy, I like the sound of this.
“Sarcasm, thy name is —” wait, dangit.
DAN: You got married at 23 to a woman you met when you were 19.
CASEY: I know, I was there.
Well, sure, physically you were there, but were you there mentally?
DANA: Jeremy.
JEREMY: Yes.
DANA: Tell me the story so far on UCLA-Arizona.
JEREMY: The story, Dana, is shooting percentage — shooting percentage and offensive glass. Last I checked, UCLA was 12 for 24 from the field, one for six at the stripe. Arizona’s press forced twelve turnovers which led to 15 points. The ‘Cats, needless to say, were dominant in the paint, and McDuffy’s got four fouls. That is the story.
NATALIE: Jeremy?
JEREMY: Yeah.
DANA: What’s the score?
JEREMY: Wow.
DANA: Jeremy —
JEREMY: Devil’s in the details.
DANA: Jeremy.
JEREMY: 66-50 Arizona.
DANA: Thank you.
You know, Dana, if you didn’t want a valedictory address, then you shouldn’t have asked for the “story” in the first place. Don’t act surprised you didn’t get the score right away.
DAN: The time is right, Casey, the time is now. You strike while the iron is hot.
CASEY: What iron?
DAN: The iron — you’re gonna strike it.
CASEY: Because it’s hot right now?
DAN: It’s scorching hot.
CASEY: Okay.
DAN: It is.
No, it’s not.
DANA: Casey, don’t make a meal out of it.
CASEY: How much?
DANA: Five seconds — you go to ten, I kick your ass.
CASEY: You ever hear of artistic freedom?
DANA: You ever hear of me [sic] kicking your ass?
CASEY: Yes, I have.
“But consider this: the pen is mightier than the sword — or the foot, I guess.”
DAN: A lot’s changed since you’ve been out there.
Yeah, just ask Rob Reiner.
RETURNING Plot Bunny: Women and shoes
Previous instances: The American President, Sports Night 110
CASEY: Out where?
DAN: There — out there — where the women are.
CASEY: Everybody still wears shoes, right?
DAN: (chuckles) Do they ever…
Okay, sure, guys, but the real question is are they looking for cute butts?
RETURNING Dialogue Motif: The way it was meant to be played
Previous instance: Sports Night 107
CASEY: Those stories, plus we’ll show why if you haven’t seen Davis Love play Pebble Beach, then you haven’t seen Shakespeare the way it was meant to be played.
I don’t know, man, the silence requested of golf audiences is basically the diametric opposite of what was expected of an audience in the Globe Theatre back in the day.
DAN: You know the biggest difference?
CASEY: The biggest difference between what?
DAN: The biggest difference between women then and women now.
CASEY: What?
DAN: You’re on television.
Strictly speaking, Dan, that’s the difference between Casey now and then, not women.
DANA: I got a note that said you wanted to see me.
ISAAC: Yeah, have a seat.
DANA: Is anything wrong?
ISAAC: No — siddown.
DANA: You never send a note.
ISAAC: I usually call your office.
DANA: Yes, or you have Marsha find me or you grab me at the rundown and say ‘can I see you’.
For those like me who went, “Who’s Marsha?” — we actually saw her briefly seven episodes ago when Isaac directs her to get someone from legal and call J.J. after everyone figures out Natalie was assaulted by Christian Patrick, so we get a small bit of continuity here. Since she didn’t have any lines she went uncredited, but IMDB likes to fill the void.
ISAAC: Dana, I need to move my day along just a little bit faster than this.
DANA: I’m just saying, if this is gonna be bad news, I’d like to sit.
ISAAC: (grins) Feel free.
The further we get into this series, the less endearing I find Dana’s characterization, which is not good, to say the least. Here she shows a rather blithe disrespect for Isaac’s time through this sequence of not sitting when he asks her to do so, only to reveal she wanted to sit all along, thus establishing the lead-up as a waste of time. I know, I know, “this is a comedy show, just shut up” — nonetheless, this is Aaron Sorkin, things like this have to be colored from the perspective of everything else he’s written in some capacity. Sequences like this one that wouldn’t fit into a setting outside one with a laugh track therefore don’t do much for me — as we’ll see even more later on.
ISAAC: I want to start grooming you.
DANA: I don’t understand.
ISAAC: You heard me.
DANA: You want to start grooming me?
ISAAC: Yes.
DANA: (beat) You better be talkin’ about [my hairstyle, Isaac, ‘cause —]
ISAAC: [Don’t go nuts!]
DANA: I’m not going nuts, I’m just saying that’s the only kind of grooming I’m prepared to talk about at this particular moment.
You sure you want to imply what you just implied, Dana? I don’t think you really want a straight man dictating the style of a woman’s hair — even if that straight man is Isaac.
DANA: How do you know I even want your job?
ISAAC: Everybody wants my job.
DANA: Not me — I think your job stinks. You get to create your own show and make all the decisions and have a big staff and make a lot of money. That’s not for me, Isaac. I like to answer to people. I don’t want to create. When I get a thought in my head, I like it to die right there.
ISAAC: These monthly lunches, at first —
DANA: When you hired me, when you hired me, didn’t you swear that you weren’t going to leave?
Either a couple of lines got cut or Ms. Huffman skipped a line — Dana offers up that “living on a budget builds character” and that she has “character out the whazoo”, to which Isaac blithely agrees. I suspect it would take viewers a couple of moments to recognize that as a follow-up to the “make a lot of money” part of Dana’s preceding overheated rant, so I’d be willing to believe they got cut.
ISAAC: Dana, that was a near-death experience at Christmas. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Luther so mad.
DANA: You embarassed him on television, he’ll get over it.
ISAAC: He may get over it, but he certainly won’t forget it.
DANA: Look, he yelled, he screamed, but he didn’t fire you. If he was gonna fire you, he’d have fired you.
ISAAC: You don’t fire a Black executive during a race-related public relations problem. You wait a while.
DANA: See? That’s the kind of thing I don’t know.
Ah, yes, thank you for confirming to everyone watching that you are quite White, Dana. Welcome finally to the land of basic understanding.
DANA: What are you gonna do if you don’t work here?
ISAAC: I’ve been thinking a lot about gardening.
DANA: Gardening?
ISAAC: I think I’d like to try organic gardening.
DANA: Do you even know what it is?
Strictly speaking, it doesn’t exist!
DANA: I won’t tell anyone that you’re grooming me.
ISAAC: Thank you.
DANA: Goodbye.
(DANA exits into the hallway, meets up with NATALIE)
DANA: He wants to groom me.
Oh, good fucking lord…
NEW Verbal Tic: You think?
SALLY: We were gonna play Clemson. That’s when I injured my ankle.
CASEY: It was your knee and it was against Louisiana Tech.
(SALLY puts her leg up on Casey’s chair arm and pulls her pant leg up slightly)
SALLY: This is my ankle.
CASEY: (beat) No doubt about it.
SALLY: It was injured playing Clemson.
CASEY: It came out of it okay.
SALLY: You think?
There’s evidence to suggest he doesn’t, Sally.
DAN: Sally, put your leg on the floor.
SALLY: I was telling Casey that I injured my ankle against Clemson.
DAN: It was your knee.
What the hell is this disagreement? Is the implication that Sally’s deliberately lying about which part of her body she injured just to throw her ankle in Casey’s face? That’s surely not the entire story if there’s also the disagreement over against which team she was playing at the time of the injury as well, no? It’s not like we can say Casey was misremembering, either, because Dan backs him up without even knowing he was backing him up. I’m really at a loss as to this exchange.
SALLY: I’ll see you later, Casey. Dan’s gonna want to warn you about me. (leaves)
Huh — that’s different. When we last saw Sally, it was made clear she was too lost in her own world to even acknowledge Dan’s existence, but now she has his number here. Is the implication then that she actually was listening two episodes ago but was doing a power play by ignoring Dan? Honestly, given her performance back then I’m not entirely sold on that theory, though I would be willing to believe that’s what Mr. Sorkin intended. Not exactly a clean execution, if so…
NEW Dialogue Motif: Other People™
CASEY: I’m not gonna go out with Sally.
DAN: You don’t have to go out with her, she was strippin’ down right here.
CASEY: We were talking about women’s college basketball.
DAN: Oh, Casey, please — I’m not other people.
CASEY: I know.
DAN: And I know I said it was time, but just to be clear about something, it’s not time for that. It’s not time to dally with Sally.
CASEY: Dan?
DAN: That was an unfortunate rhyme…
Oh, please, like you didn’t intend for that rhyme in the first place.
CASEY: What’s your problem with Sally?
DAN: Look at her. I don’t think she’s of this world.
CASEY: You don’t think she’s of this world?
DAN: I do not.
CASEY: What world do you think she’s of?
Uh oh! Casey, you’re a professional writer! What are you doing ending a sentence with a preposition?
DAN: Her beauty comes from a very strange place, have you noticed that?
CASEY: The places her beauty comes from weren’t that strange to me, I can identify almost all of them.
Ayo? “Almost”?
CASEY: She’s a very skilled producer.
DAN: Of course she’s skilled — she’s Satan’s handmaiden.
CASEY: She’s not Satan’s handmaiden.
DAN: On the entire planet, have you ever seen anyone with eyes like that? Huh? She’s a Stepford producer.
I object to the link to Satan considering he doesn’t exist, but the implication Sally is an automaton as a producer? I’ve insufficent data to disagree.
DAN: It’s a well-oiled machine here. I don’t want to see anything interfere with that.
CASEY: (reading LC Wire sheet) Did a high school girl from East Lansing run the Boston Marathon in 2.6 seconds?
DAN: Doesn’t sound right.
CASEY: Not as well-oiled as you think.
Man, come on! A malfunctioning computer is not an indictment on the cohesion of a team of people.
JEREMY: You should really call technical support.
NATALIE: I like it when you fix it. It’s so cute and nerdy. I could just lick you up.
Never mind, I withdraw my objection.
NATALIE: “Minus-1, SM Trunc”, what does it mean?
JEREMY: Natalie —
NATALIE: C’mon, just one.
JEREMY: (beat) It means the truncation indicator alone is wider than the specified width. It probably also indicates a “Minus-5 Type SCP” which is an invalid queue element.
NATALIE: (breathing heavily) Okay.
Good lord, Natalie, just take a cold shower or something!
NATALIE: Then it says “Minus-15, out of range” — what does that mean?
JEREMY: It means it’s out of range.
NATALIE: You’re not doing this right!
JEREMY: What the hell are we doing?
NATALIE: Well, I thought we were having phone sex, but I guess you just weren’t interested.
Whatever happened to that plan to compartmentalize their relationship so it doesn’t get in the way of their work?
JEREMY: You were having sex.
NATALIE: Yes.
JEREMY: Well, I think maybe you’re not doing it right.
He’s right.
SALLY: Hello, Isaac.
ISAAC: Hello, Sally.
SALLY: Sharp suit!
ISAAC: Thanks, Sally.
SALLY: No, I mean it, that is a sharp suit.
“You could poke a hole in the hull of a battleship with that suit!”
SALLY: Are you quitting your job?
ISAAC: No.
SALLY: You’re not?
ISAAC: No.
SALLY: I heard you were.
ISAAC: You heard wrong.
SALLY: I keep my ear to the ground.
ISAAC: I have no doubt about it.
You don’t? I would think that motion would get awkward for her considering how tall she is…
SALLY: Can I be blunt?
ISAAC: There is evidence to suggest that you’re capable of it, yes.
SALLY: I think I’m the right person for the job.
ISAAC: Whose job?
SALLY: Dana’s job.
ISAAC: Dana wants Dana’s job.
SALLY: Dana’s gonna have your job.
ISAAC: No, sadly, I’m gonna have my job.
Job, job, job, job, job, job… (starts banging head to the beat)
RETURNING Verbal Tic: Résumé recitation
Running count: 6
SALLY: May I give you my credentials?
ISAAC: I see no way of stopping you.
SALLY: I’ve been executive producer of West Coast Update for 16 months. Our show has never failed to win its time slot.
ISAAC: You’re on at 2am, Sally, your competition is a Bonanza re-run and four guys making cheese.
RETURNING Verbal Tic: To say nothing of [the fact]
Running count: 2
SALLY: To say nothing of Fox on Sports and CNN/SI, both of which were on top of us to the tune of a share point before I came in.
I could not for the life of me find any late-night TV shows from the ’90s that were about making cheese, so best I can figure Isaac is simply being sarcastic here. Hardly an impressive thing to note, though, given how Sally doesn’t seem to care at all about the sarcasm being thrown in her direction…
SALLY: My staff is professional and they place a premium on professionalism.
ISAAC: My staff is professional, Sally.
SALLY: As we speak, one of your LC Wire frames is misprocessing data while two of your associate producers stand over the monitor attempting to have phone sex.
ISAAC: God, please don’t tell me which two.
SALLY: Just think about it.
ISAAC: Alright, my guess is it’s Jeremy and Natalie.
Like that was that wild of a guess…
SALLY: I meant think about me for the job.
ISAAC: Dana’s job.
SALLY: Yes.
ISAAC: When Dana takes my job.
SALLY: Yes.
ISAAC: And tell me again what I’ll be doing?
SALLY: I heard organic gardening.
Nope, I’m absolutely not buying it. Even if we allow for the possibility that Dana let the organic gardening bit out to Natalie, which is not necessarily a stretch by itself, that information still cannot possibly have made it to Sally of all people. Dana has made it quite clear with many people that she regards Sally as a Professional™ rival, so no one on the staff should be willing to divulge anything Private™ that Dana tells them to Sally. This drop-in for Sally simply doesn’t make sense, and in the scheme of things is straight up unnecessary given what happens next in this plotline.
DAN: I’m gonna fix you up with Yoko Ono.
CASEY: I don’t think so.
DAN: Yeah, I really am.
CASEY: No, you’re really not.
DAN: Are you concerned about the age difference?
CASEY: Do you even know Yoko Ono?
DAN: I am a fan of her music, yes.
That you’re not deaf in one ear suggests otherwise, Dan.
CASEY: Do you really think Dana was flirting with me?
DAN: Dana?
CASEY: Sally.
DAN: You said Dana.
CASEY: I meant Sally.
DAN: Stop thinking about Sally.
Really? That’s the first thing you focus on from that exchange, Dan? Not the rather obviously-written Freudian slip?
DAN: Sally is an alien, do you understand me? At night, she peels her body off and lives on Steve Guttenberg’s boat.
Obscure reference of the day: the 1985 film Cocoon, which features a group of aliens disguised as humans chartering a boat from an actual human for the purpose of retrieving cocoons of their kind from the bottom of the ocean. The owner of the boat, played by Steve Guttenberg, at one point spies on a woman from the group undressing in her cabin and discovers she’s an alien as a result. Unfortunately for Dan’s parallel, that doesn’t stop the boat owner and the woman in question from having (the alien race’s equivalent of) sex later in the movie.
CASEY: Dana!
DANA: You’re still a minute-twenty fat in the 40s.
Still not sure how you know something like that…
CASEY: I think someone was flirting with me today.
DANA: I’m sorry?
CASEY: Someone might’ve been flirting with me today.
DANA: Sally?
CASEY: How did you know?
DANA: Sally’s always flirting with you.
You’ve been keeping score, have you?
NEW Dialogue Motif: Not much chance [of that]
CASEY: Have I been flirting back?
DANA: You’re kinda feeble, aren’t you?
CASEY: Well, have I?
DANA: I really don’t know.
CASEY: I don’t want to look foolish.
DANA: Not much chance of that.
“Sarcasm, thy name is Dana.” There, I got it right this time.
NEW Plot Bunny: Terrible practice flirt
DANA: Flirt with me now.
CASEY: Flirt with you now?
DANA: Yes.
CASEY: I will.
DANA: Start.
RETURNING Verbal Tic: How ya doin’
Running count: 5
CASEY: (pause) How ya doin’?
DANA: (laughs) That’s good, Casey, how many years of college?
CASEY: I’ve got more, I’m just saying hi.
DANA: Lay it on me.
CASEY: (beat) What’s your name?
DANA: Casey, I’m saying flirt with me, I’m not playing somebody else.
What exactly are looking for, Dana, hmm?
DANA: Start again — flirt with me.
CASEY: I’m starting… now. (pause) What’s your name?
DANA: My name’s Dana, you unbelievable moron, you’ve know me for fifteen years. Flirt with me. Tell me why you like me better than Sally.
Ah, and the true reason comes out…
DANA: Tell me why.
CASEY: I don’t understand.
DANA: I don’t think you’re ever going to have sex again.
I don’t know, Dana, we’ve already established Sally doesn’t give a shit about Casey’s lack of flirting.
CASEY: You’re smoky.
DANA: I’m sorry?
CASEY: The difference between you and Sally, you’re smoky.
DANA: I’m smoky?
CASEY: You’re smoky. You’re a lot of other things, too, but you’re smoky.
DANA: I don’t know what that means, but I like the sound of it.
Eh… I’ll begrudgingly agree, Dana — still not wild about the whole situation, though…
DANA: You think I’m smoky?
CASEY: Classy; impressive; sexy — was sexy going too far?
Yes!
DANA: It was fine.
What?!
NATALIE: Were you two flirting?
DANA: No.
NATALIE: You were.
DANA: We were, but it was a rehearsal of sorts. It was a class.
NATALIE: If you guys aren’t too far along, could Jeremy join?
(sigh) So much for Isaac’s staff’s being professional…
KIM: When I get Natalie’s job, is there a union regulation that prevents me from making Elliot my man-slave?
Case in point.
NATALIE: (loudly) Far be it from me to be adventuresome in our sex life!
JEREMY: (to the room) Thanks very much, folks, be sure and [sic] tip your waitresses.
Further case in point!
ISAAC: My name is Isaac Jaffee, I run this place. Anybody else who runs this place, please raise your hand. (pause) Good.
Preach it, brother!
ISAAC: Let me add, Dana, that things that I say in my office stay in my office.
DANA: Natalie’s m-my second-in-command, she’s the only one I told.
NATALIE: Jeremy’s my boyfriend, he’s the only one I told.
JEREMY: I told many, many people.
(massive pause for laughs)
(heavy sigh) Here we go again with the laugh track. I know a number of people say this is one of their favorite moments from Sports Night, but for me this moment is almost certainly my least favorite. As I alluded to before, in order for a funny moment to work for me, the moment should be able to fit in the context of a show without a laugh track, and this moment definitely does not qualify — this moment is asking for the laugh. A good joke doesn’t ask for the laugh — it asks for the butter instead.foreshadowing detected
Also, it makes quite literally zero sense for Jeremy to be the culprit of the office gossip here. For one, his personality of being timid socially simply doesn’t match the occasion. For two, there simply hasn’t been time — Natalie went from being told by Dana to attempting her interpretation of phone sex with Jeremy trying to fix the LC Wire. Natalie was only away from Jeremy long enough to retrieve Dana from her ill-fated flirting session, and Jeremy simply doesn’t have the time or energy to blab to that many people in that time — let alone have the information reach Sally, which is still an impossibility in my mind.
NEW Verbal Tic: Shut up => okay
ISAAC: Elliot? Kim? The production team is, in fact, a team, and you will work with and for whomever Dana tells you to.
DANA: Thank you.
ISAAC: Shut up.
DANA: Okay.
ISAAC: Finally, I’d like to say that while there are many programs here at CSC, and there’s nothing wrong with healthy competition, we are all a family…
Oh, really? You said otherwise in the pilot, Isaac! “You’re very much like an employee to me,” you remember saying that, right?
SALLY: I think I can speak for everyone on the West Coast Update team when I say we have nothing but respect for each and every man and woman who works on Sports Night.
DAN: He’s talking about you, ya freak!
(pause for laugh track)
Fuck off, laugh track!
ISAAC: Thank you, Daniel.
Woah, wait a minute! Did you really mean to endorse Dan’s characterization of Sally as a freak, Isaac? This is one heck of a family dynamic you’re establishing — especially considering the pair of lines after this one that got cut:
DRAFT DAN: I’m the one you love the most, aren’t I, Isaac?
DRAFT ISAAC: No.
Ouch.
RETURNING Verbal Tic: I’ll tell you what else
Running count: 3
NATALIE: Casey said she’s smoky.
JEREMY: She is smoky.
NATALIE: Am I smoky?
JEREMY: You better believe it. I’ll tell you what else you are — you’re a slow drink of whiskey.
Damn, when Jeremy knows what’s happening he actually has some game.
NATALIE: Say some computer things — right now.
JEREMY: Listen, seriously — those new herbs you’ve been taking? I think you should stop.
Oh, please, like she hasn’t always been this way, Jeremy.
NEW Dialogue Motif: Among other things
NATALIE: I’m a slow drink of whiskey.
JEREMY: Among other things, yes.
Playing along, or stealth insult? You decide!
DAN: You could be having sex with Yoko Ono right now.
CASEY: Please don’t ever say that again.
Took the words right out of my mouth, Casey.
DAN: I’ve made a decision.
CASEY: What’s that?
DAN: I don’t think it’s time.
Welcome to the club, Danny, we had some jackets made.foreshadowing detected
Alright, well, I’ve already established this episode doesn’t do all that well for me. Isaac’s laying down the law is essentially the only thing this episode has going for itself, and that doesn’t carry the episode enough to make up for the surfeit of romance tightwires and questionable gossip vectors. Dan’s character in particular feels lobotomized for this episode, as endearing as his trying to get Casey laid is, due to his utter mania surrounding Sally and trying to dissuade Casey from her. I’m almost inclined to say if someone is looking to binge watch this series, this episode is essentially the most easily skipped.
If you’re not completely mad at me at this point, then you’re very much entitled to hitting that subscribe button so that you can see future entries as they come. Coming up next: I kinda like the music.
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