Entry 023 - Sports Night 120 (Ordnance Tactics)
In which the men don't trust their best friends
SERIES: Sports Night
EPISODE NUMBER: 120
TITLE: Ordnance Tactics
PREMIERE: 6 Apr 1999
WRITING CREDITS: Aaron Sorkin (teleplay), Paul Redford (story)
DIRECTOR: Alex Graves
DRAFT SCRIPT: HTML
Alex Graves makes his first directoral appearance in the Sorkin universe with this episode, an auspicious outing for a director whom we will come to love with future appearances. Of the regular rotation of TV directors working with Mr. Sorkin’s material, Alex Graves has produced what I consider some of the most striking directoral work for Mr. Sorkin. This episode is certainly one of the more muted instances of it, but nonetheless we need look no further than the work at the top of this episode to see his impact: quite possibly the longest sequence of no dialogue or action in a Sorkin television episode. Mr. Graves directed a sequence specifically designed to put the viewer on edge, foreshadowing the events of the rest of the episode — it won’t be the last time he does so.
Unfortunately, Mr. Sorkin still hadn’t learned not to mark a draft script as a “final draft” yet. In this instance, however, the draft script we have is quite possibly the closest we have to its released episode of any episode’s draft script, for a change of pace. Quite the contrast to how everything’s falling apart in the Sports Night universe… but let’s let the episode speak for itself now.
RETURNING Verbal Tic: Standing (t)here
Running count: 3
DANA: What are you doing?
DAN: What?
CASEY: What?
DANA: What are you two doing?
DAN: Us?
DANA: Yes.
DAN: We’re standing here.
I gotta say, there’s considerable evidence to support that theory.foreshadowing detected
DAN: There was a bomb scare.
DANA: I know. Casey —
CASEY: There was a bomb scare.
DANA: Did you know the two of you have been repeating that over and over for the last hour and twenty minutes? Do you know you’ve been repeating that over and over?
And the Prosaic Lampshade of the Year Award goes to…
CASEY: There was a bomb scare.
DANA: Yes.
DAN: There was.
DANA: It’s over now.
CASEY: Well, it worked.
DANA: What do you —
CASEY: We’re scared!
Shoot, I forgot I had wanted to keep track of moments like this one — I mentioned in a couple of early entries how actors sometimes had trouble executing sequences where the script called for one character interrupting another. Here, there’s a noticeable pause between when Dana’s line interrupts itself and when Casey blurts his declaration of terror. To be honest, though, I don’t know whether to blame Peter or the editor for this instance…
DANA: They didn’t find the bomb.
CASEY: This is a huge building, they searched for an hour and twenty minutes.
DAN: I can’t find my car keys in an hour and twenty minutes.
I’m gonna have to throw a flag on the play — hide-and-seek shortcomings aside, Dan almost certainly isn’t driving to work in New York City. We already know he likes to ride the subway for the fun of it, there’s no way he’s not already riding it to work as well.
DANA: These two are the biggest babies.
CASEY: Hey, you’re afraid of fish, okay, and I’m afraid of dying in a hail of shrapnel, who’s crazier?
By and large, I’d say you’re both equally crazy.
NEW Plot Bunny: Bomb dog dig™
JEREMY: They use dogs.
CASEY: Do you know what a bomb looks like?
JEREMY: Actually, I don’t.
…
CASEY: But we’re bettin’ a German Shepherd can pick one out.
JEREMY: They smell them.
CASEY: They smell them.
…
DAN: Quick question.
DANA: What?
DAN: These dogs — do they ever get a cold?
…
DANA: No.
DAN: They don’t?
DANA: No.
CASEY: Never?
DANA: No.
DAN: What’re you, a vet?
Bad response, Dana — it would have been more apt to say that if a dog did have a cold, then that dog clearly wouldn’t have been called up to sniff for bombs. The trick, of course, is for humans to be able to tell a dog has a cold, but best to leave that part out…
CASEY: Is there anyone who can say anything that will make us feel like the smart thing to do is to stay in this building right now?
DANA: In ten minutes, three and a half million people will tune in to watch the two of you on television. Many of them will be women.
(CASEY and DAN look at each other for a beat)
CASEY: Alright.
DAN: Okay.
Oh, man — don’t make me go into another aria about how you’re not just doing your job to impress women.
DANA: (into phone) I spoke to him just this morning, he sounds awfully good. … Yes, I spoke to him just this morning. … I will. … Thanks. (hangs up)
J.J.: You spoke to Isaac this morning?
DANA: No. I spoke to Esther. Isaac couldn’t… he was unable to come to phone when I called.
That Dana felt the need to lie to whomever she was on the phone with speaks volumes — as we’ve noted in previous entries, Isaac has singlehandedly performed the role of gatekeeping all interactions with upper management from the Sports Night staff. Because he’s done so well with that, however, it’s left Dana in a position where she doesn’t exactly know how to interact with those above Isaac. That’s largly Dana’s fault, mind you — Isaac did make overtures to have Dana accompany him more to meetings with higher-ups, but she flatly refused. Her rejection then has come to bite her in the ass here.
J.J.: Was there any sign of this?
DANA: Sign of what?
J.J.: Of Isaac [sic] having a stroke — was there any sign of this?
DANA: Was there any sign of Isaac [sic] having a stroke?
J.J.: Yes.
DANA: Other than Isaac [sic] having a stroke?
J.J.: Dana, it’s unbecoming of you to blame me for any part of this.
DANA: That’s a shame, J.J., ‘cause I want so much to be attractive to you.
(beep) Sarcasm Self Test complete! (beep)
DANA: What do you want?
J.J.: I want to do my job. I want to help you, which is my job.
All evidence to the contrary…
J.J.: I’m saying right now, today, give some of your responsibilities to Sally.
DANA: What’s wrong with Natalie?
J.J.: We have more confidence in Sally.
DANA: I have more confidence in Natalie.
I really have to say, this expression of confidence from J.J. comes out of nowhere for me. Those of us watching the show, however, are naturally biased toward Natalie over Sally, as we’ve seen more of the former than the latter at work. Natalie may be a very good producer, but by and large she’s considerably less inclined toward openly advertising as much like Sally is about her own credentials — recall how Sally angled for Dana’s job to Isaac. “The results speak for themselves” is not in the minds of those above Isaac, it appears.
J.J.: I want you and I [sic] to work together to ensure the network doesn’t —
DANA: What?
J.J.: — feel the need to bring in —
DANA: — an interim managing editor?
J.J.: Yes.
DANA: There’s no need to do that.
J.J.: I agree.
DANA: That is a bad move, that is a wrong call, and I’ll stand in Luther’s office and tell him that’s a wrong call.
J.J.: Luther could give a damn what you think is a wrong call, Dana.
He could? Oh, you mean he couldn’t, you conniving sonuva—
J.J.: Bomb threat was a hoax.
CASEY: What was it about?
J.J.: Denny Denton.
CASEY: What about him?
J.J.: They don’t like his radio show.
DAN: I don’t like his radio show, either. You know what I do?
J.J.: What?
DAN: Change the station.
J.J.: Would that the world were as enlightened as you, Dan.
No fucking kidding!
DAN: Oh, were that it would.
CASEY: Were.
DAN: What?
CASEY: Never mind.
Man, these guys are fried…
DAN: So we’re two likeable guys, right?
CASEY: I think so.
DAN: I think we’re very likeable.
CASEY: I’m liked wherever I go.
DAN: I’m liked wherever I go and wherever you go.
CASEY: We’re perfectly likeable.
I’m getting the sense they think there’s likeable, are you?
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for yet another installment of Those Two Guys™:
NATALIE: Does this include Seattle?
CHRIS: Yes.
WILL: No.
CHRIS: It does.
WILL: It doesn’t.
NATALIE: The film from last night.
CHRIS: Yes.
NATALIE: Seattle.
CHRIS: Yes.
NATALIE: It does?
CHRIS: It does.
WILL: It doesn’t.
NATALIE: Dave —
DAVE: Hey, Betty, Wilma — is Seattle on the tape?
“And take a vitamin, while you’re at it.”
NATALIE: Good news — Pluto isn’t being demoted as a planet.
Heh — yet another unintentional period piece: Pluto would have its classification demoted corrected to “dwarf planet” in 2006 after the International Astronomical Union clarified the definitions of planet and dwarf planet. The decision was made in the wake of the 2005 discovery of nearby neighbor Eris, which is more massive than Pluto but not entirely fitting the classical understanding of a planet at the time. The clarification hasn’t stopped people from berating the IAU act, however — I don’t suppose Natalie moved to New Mexico after the decision?
JEREMY: What I’m gonna say might well seem abrupt and terrible, but when I say it, I want you to remember that the keyword, the keyword is ‘temporarily’. Temporarily is the keyword — so there’s not gonna be any reason to be upset or unhappy, okay? I think we should temporarily — temporarily — stop seeing each other.
NATALIE: (pause) Okay.
JEREMY: (beat) I’m serious.
NATALIE: I know.
JEREMY: I think we should temporarily stop seeing each other.
NATALIE: Okay.
JEREMY: I’m serious.
NATALIE: I know.
JEREMY: Why are you not unhappy?
You just told her she had no reason to be, did you not?
NATALIE: I don’t acknowledge it.
… What?
JEREMY: You don’t acknowledge it?
NATALIE: I don’t recognize the break-up, I’m sorry.
(heavy sigh) Fucking hell…
Remember two entries ago when I mentioned one of that episode’s plotlines would get a great introduction then get trampled on in later episodes? Yeah, you guessed it, this is what I was talking about. Once again, Natalie is given a completely psychotic personality just to service a gag that fits the bill of a comedy show. It’s not like Jeremy’s concerns are without warrant, either:
RETURNING Verbal Tic: To say nothing of [the fact]
Running count: 3
JEREMY: I need to be able to get my life in order, to say nothing of what’s going on with Isaac, I mean, this is a good time to give Dana everything we’ve got.
Extra dedication to the job in a time of crisis definitely has the ring of logic to it, considering their relationship has continuously failed to stay outside the confines of the office!
JEREMY: Natalie, this is unilateral, I don’t need you to sign off on this in order for it to be valid.
NATALIE: Sweetie, if it makes you feel better to break up with me, that’s fine, but I don’t break up with you.
JEREMY: It doesn’t work like that.
NATALIE: It’s working like that right now.
You say that now, Natalie, but wait until Jeremy reports you to the police for raping him.
RETURNING Verbal Tic: How ya doin’
Running count: 14
DAN: How ya doin’?
REBECCA: Before I get mad at you, how’s Isaac?
Ominous introduction to the conversation aside, I suppose there’s something to be said about how Rebecca has been integrated enough into the Sports Night family at this point to want to stay in the loop about Isaac. Dan works fast, I guess…
REBECCA: Why were you avoiding me during the bomb scare?
DAN: I wasn’t avoiding you.
REBECCA: You were. We were out on the street for over an hour, it was a perfectly good bomb scare.
DAN: I tried to find you.
REBECCA: No, you didn’t — and every time I tried to find you, someone would say you just left the place that someone else had just said you had been right before.
DAN: That was a truly spectacular sentence.
I’ll say — makes me wish Mr. Sorkin had nabbed her again two years earlier than John Wells did.
DAN: It was a bomb scare, Rebecca, I was serpentining. I was employing the covert ordnance tactics that I learned.
REBECCA: Where did you learn covert ordnance tactics?
DAN: (beat) ‘Nam.
Busted, Dan — you should have said you learned the tactics in the New York subway system instead.
NEW Dialogue Motif: Gonna take you on tour
REBECCA: Why are you avoiding me?
DAN: Why?
REBECCA: Yeah.
DAN: Take a wild, flailing shot in the dark. Take a ridiculous, nothin’ on the line, Hail Mary toss from the backcourt heave as to why I might be avoiding you.
REBECCA: ‘Cause you thought Steve and I were divorced when in reality we’re only separated and Steve wants us to go back into counseling and I’m on the fence about it and you hate Steve?
DAN: That’s amazing.
REBECCA: Dan —
DAN: That’s amazing that you got it on the first guess like that. I’m gonna take you on tour. We’re gonna make some money, me and you.
“I gotta ask, though — can you make a phone spontaneously ring, too?”foreshadowing detected
DAN: No kidding — I know you were looking for me yesterday, but I reaffirm my position that I’m here for you but it would be wrong for us to date, but it should be noted that I’m here for you.
REBECCA: Where?
DAN: Here.
REBECCA: So your strategy for this is to be wonderful?
DAN: Yes.
REBECCA: Listen —
DAN: You know why?
REBECCA: Why?
DAN: Works every time.
You know what, I believe that.
NEW Sorkin Name: Stuart
STUART: Hey, Dan.
DAN: (without looking) Hey, Stuart.
See?
DANA: It’s just for a week or so.
SALLY: I understand.
DANA: Just ‘til Isaac gets back.
SALLY: I’m just surprised.
DANA: Are you?
SALLY: Surprised that you asked me.
SALLY: I would have thought that you’d have more confidence in Natalie.
DANA: No.
SALLY: I’d have thought you would.
DANA: No.
What the fuck, Dana? I know you don’t want to tell Sally that you were basically forced to ask her, but implying you don’t have confidence in Natalie is really out-there for you. You could simply have stated something about Natalie’s only being able to handle so much simultaneously and your wanting to spread out the pain. Why did that not occur to you?
DANA: Natalie, in Isaac’s absence, I’m gonna have Sally assume some of my functions while I assume some of Isaac’s.
NATALIE: (beat) I had a hunch.
You did? You were expecting Dana to enlist the help of someone she openly dislikes? Or are you lying through your teeth just like Dana did to Sally?
RETURNING Verbal Tic: Can I say something
Running count: 5
JEREMY: Can I say something, please?
Ooh, he added a “please”…
JEREMY: Alright, just so you know, if I wanted to right now, I could ask out other women.
NATALIE: No.
JEREMY: I could.
NATALIE: No.
JEREMY: Dana, would you like to go out with me?
DANA: I can’t.
JEREMY: Why not?
DANA: You’re seeing Natalie.
JEREMY: That’s it, I’m calling the police!
Make sure to ask for the captain of the Tonal Continuity department, Jeremy.
DANA: Where are we on time?
ELLIOT: We’re six minutes long.
I’m still lost on how you could even know that.
CASEY: Hang on — I’ve been handed some information I requested on, basically, what to do in the event you think the building you’re in might blow up at any moment. For instance, it says you should stay away from unsecured walls or open electrical wiring — so, it’s a good thing you and I don’t work in front of a fake backdrop over which hangs like a million volts of electrical equipment.
To say nothing of the turkey in the light grid!
JEREMY: My mother and father are getting a divorce.
NATALIE: I know that.
JEREMY: My father’s been having an affair with another woman for 27 years.
NATALIE: I know that, too.
JEREMY: That’s since before I was born.
What?! No, it’s not! You’re 33 years old! What’s with this show’s deliberately backaging its characters?
NATALIE: I believe that your decision making skills aren’t the best right now. I’m taking you into receivership.
Fuck off, Natalie.
CASEY: Sally, tell me you didn’t have anything to do with Natalie [sic] getting muscled to the side.
SALLY: You know, for someone I’m sleeping with, sometimes you don’t say the nicest things to me.
Oh, sister, please, if you think that’s the worst thing he could say to you at this point, you’re out of your mind.
SALLY: There’s gonna be a press conference after the owners meet tonight in Tuscon, I can get you on the satellite feed between 10:20 and 10:40, you want it?
CASEY: Yeah.
SALLY: You got it.
CASEY: But ask Natalie first.
Hell yeah, Casey, stick it to her!
NEW Dialogue Motif: Unglued™
SALLY: Hey, Dan.
DAN: Hey, Sally.
SALLY: What the hell does that mean?
DAN: What?
SALLY: No, I mean, what the hell does that mean?
DAN: What the hell does what mean?
SALLY: “Hey, Sally.”
DAN: It meant, “Hey, Sally.”
SALLY: (pause) Okay, so did I just totally come unglued?
DAN: Yeah — like to see it in you. It’s a tense time, glue’s not gonna work.
“Best to go for the tried-and-tested duct tape and baling wire instead.”
CASEY: We need to give that speech to Dana and Natalie.
DAN: What speech?
CASEY: The unglued speech.
DAN: It wasn’t a speech.
CASEY: It was a talking-to, and we need to give it to Dana and Natalie.
DAN: I’ve noticed they’re a little too calm.
CASEY: Oh, they’re way too calm.
DAN: Frighteningly calm.
CASEY: They’re gonna blow any second.
DAN: I’ve been thinking the exact same thing.
CASEY: We can’t defuse the explosives, but we can detonate them in an unpopulated area.
DAN: Drive it out to the desert where it can’t hurt anybody.
Man, these two riff off each other so well…
DAN: Well, if you’ve got some calm people and you want to make them upset, I say we’re the guys to do it.
+100 to self-awareness
DANA: Natalie — it’s what J.J. wanted. He made a threat and I believed him.
NATALIE: It’s okay.
DANA: This isn’t a good time to fight with the network.
NATALIE: I understand.
You know, on second thought, Natalie’s acceptance of the Sally situation is simply another instance of what I’ve described before as her tendency to put the show before herself — she could easily put her foot down about losing her opportunity for career advancement, but she cares more that the show remains in a functional state, even if that means involuntarily sharing the burden to do so. I’m still not entirely sure she was telling the truth about her “hunch”, but even so she had good intentions behind that questionable verbalization.
DANA: What’s going on?
DAN: Well, let’s see.
CASEY: The building had to be evacuated last night because a group of God-fearing people said they didn’t like Denny Denton’s impression of the Son of God. Why? Because Denny Denton does him with a lisp.
DAN: My girlfriend, whom I’ve grown quite fond of, is thinking of going back to her husband, but that’s just ‘cause he treats her bad.
CASEY: The only thing in Jeremy’s life that makes him happy right now is Natalie, so he’s decided this’d be a good time to get rid of Natalie.
DAN: The network’s decided this is a good time to show Dana who’s boss, so unless you do something and lickity-split, his name is gonna be J.J.
CASEY: And, oh yeah, Isaac’s lying in a bed at Columbia Pres with a stroke.
Um… okay, I guess we’re getting a summary of the entire episode so far. I’ll bite.
RETURNING Verbal Tic: Eat ‘em up
Running count: 2
DAN: Anything else?
CASEY: We got the satellite feed from Tuscon.
DAN: Then we’re all set.
CASEY: Good show, everybody, let’s eat ‘em up.
That’s kind of an off-kilter attempt at levity, if you ask me…
NATALIE: We’re women.
CASEY: What?
DANA: We’re women.
DAN: You’re women.
DANA: Yes.
CASEY: I have to say, Danny, that in both their cases, there’s considerable evidence to support that theory.
Pervert.
DANA: We’re in charge. We’re women in charge, and we’re keeping it together. That’s what we do.
CASEY: That’s what you do?
DANA: That’s right.
CASEY: Well, we’re men, we’re petrified. That’s what we do.
DAN: We found that giving into our fears has made us stronger.
CASEY: And not just a little pathetic.
DAN: Right, mostly stronger.
CASEY: Yeah.
DAN: So if you’re scared, if you’re sad, if you’re mad, you should tell us. It’s entirely possible we’d be able to say to do something that’ll make you feel better.
CASEY: That’s the other thing we do.
Finally, we reach a point where the episode differs from the draft script: the stronger/pathetic exchange is not present in the draft script, and in its place Dan’s line instructing Dana and Natalie on what to do as written includes another listing of ongoing plot arcs (“if you think Isaac’s never coming back, if you think the network wants Sally for your job, if you think you’re losing a handle on Jeremy, if you think you’ve lost the handle on Gordon…”). Additionally, in the draft Dan and Casey explicitly invite Dana and Natalie to “come unglued” for them as prelude to what comes next:
DANA: Denny Denton was doing Jesus with a lisp?
CASEY: Yes.
DANA: And that’s why somebody tried to blow us up?
CASEY: Yes.
DANA: I still hate you, you know.
CASEY: Yes.
DANA: Isaac had a stroke, and somebody tried to blow up the building. We’re not having our best week, are we?
Even this exchange was rewritten, too! The back-and-forth on Denny Denton was truncated to make way for Dana’s declaration of hate, and a couplet on how awful things are got removed after this last line as well. Frankly, I prefer how the exchange goes in the draft script, because it has Dana come closer to unglued than she gets in the scene as shot.
CASEY: There’s some good news coming in eleven seconds, though.
DANA: Good news?
CASEY: Yeah.
DANA: What?
CASEY: Ready?
MAN: (over intercom) Three minutes to air, first team in the studio please.
One last change: the intercom line is assigned to Kim in the draft script — but that is definitely not Kim we hear. Was she unavailable for this one day of shooting or something?
DANA: I’ll tell ‘em I can use Sally’s help but I’m gonna run my show and J.J. can take a seat in the bleachers.
NATALIE: Whatever you need.
DANA: I need you.
“Oh, Dana, I’ve been waiting my entire life to hear you say — wait, you didn’t mean it like that.”
RETURNING Verbal Tic: Eat ‘em up
Running count: 3
NATALIE: Let’s go, two minutes! Let’s eat ‘em up! Isaac’s watching tonight.
DANA: And I think you are absolutely right about Jeremy, by the way.
NATALIE: Refusing to accept the break-up?
DANA: Do not accept it. It is not recognized. It is not valid.
Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? Let’s set aside for the moment how you’re clearly not respecting Jeremy’s autonomy and the ethics behind that — how exactly do you expect the logistics of rejecting his break-up to work out? Are you seriously going to go to his house even when he tells you not to? And expect him to let you in? That’s a recipe for getting arrested, Nat — and shame on you for following along, Dana! (sigh)
WILL: Loading F/X 5.
CHRIS: F/X 5 is loaded.
WILL: No, it’s not.
CHRIS: It’s loaded.
WILL: ‘Cause I just loaded it now.
DAVE: I’ll kill you both with my hands.
Those Two Guys™, ladies and gentlemen!
CASEY: Alyson?
ALYSON: Yes?
CASEY: Don’t stand too close to this wall, it’s not real. In fact, everybody listen up! The metallurgy, the structural wiring, the glass — I know we’ve come to think of this place as home, but it’s a shooting gallery. If you hear ticking, run for your lives.
“In fact — yes, let’s just go to the park and do the show live from there!”foreshadowing detected
NEW Dialogue Motif: Eyes front[, mister]
NATALIE: I’d just like to confirm for everybody that I am Jeremy’s girlfriend.
JEREMY: Natalie —
NATALIE: I am his girlfriend and he’s seen me naked many times.
JEREMY: Natalie!
NATALIE: Sometimes I do a little dance.
(WILL turns to look)
JEREMY: Eyes front, mister!
Good fucking lord…
NEW Dialogue Motif: If anything should happen, it should happen to you
CASEY: Dan?
DAN: Yeah?
CASEY: I just wanted to say that… if anything terrible ever had to happen to one of us… I’d want it to be you.
DAN: (beat) Thanks.
“I’ll remember that the next time I choose a song for your birthday.”
Alright, let’s suppose for a moment we subtracted Natalie’s psychotic response to Jeremy’s request for a relationship pause. If we do so, I’d say we have ourselves a good episode here — throughout this episode we are picturesquely shown an ill-at-ease Sports Night staff struggling to function smoothly in light of recent events. The treatment of the network’s response to Isaac’s stroke in particular makes for a particularly satisfying exploration of how past events have conspired against our team. I’d even be willing to forgive Natalie her psychosis if it could be entirely painted in that light, but unfortunately past experience with the character of Natalie leaves me loathe to do so. I’ll just have to close my eyes and think of England for the next few episodes whenever that psychosis makes itself known.
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