Entry 025 - Sports Night 122 (Napoleon's Battle Plan)
In which we can't escape if we wanted to
SERIES: Sports Night
EPISODE NUMBER: 122
TITLE: Napoleon’s Battle Plan
PREMIERE: 27 Apr 1999
DIRECTOR: Robert Berlinger
What do you mean, we don’t have a draft script available? Man, I was really starting to get spoiled — I guess we’ll have to make do without one. We’re needing to focus more on telling ABC to fuck off with the laugh track, anyway — let’s get into it.
NEW Plot Bunny: No pants for TV
DAN: We’re in our underwear. There’s no question about that.
CASEY: Yes.
DAN: We’re two grown men with important jobs who are standing in their underwear.
…
CASEY: (into phone) Yeah, this is Casey McCall. We could use a little wardrobe up here.
WARNING: CONTINUITY ERROR DETECTED!!
You may recall in the pilot that in the cold open, Dan had basketball shorts on underneath the desk. The next day he wore jeans under the desk, thus establishing in the pilot that by and large the runners of the show didn’t give a damn what Dan and Casey had on below the camera. That seems to have been conveniently forgotten for this episode. It’s not like we can hand-wave it away by saying the wardrobe department changed between then and now — we heard back in episode 11 that Maureen has been with Sports Night from day one — so that’s a big miss on our favorite showrunner’s part.
JEREMY: That the camera?
DANA: Not just a camera — the Soshi/Suntac RTS III.
JEREMY: Sounds like a good camera.
…
DANA: It’s got center-spot metering, AP and SP exposure modes, auto bracketing, a 5fps motor drive…
Bring me the finest technobabble in all the land.foreshadowing detected
RETURNING Verbal Tic: Dangling modifier correction
Running count: 5
DAN: You have no plan?
CASEY: Well, it wasn’t for lack of trying.
DAN: I think it was.
CASEY: I tried.
DAN: You didn’t.
CASEY: I tried to come up with a plan.
DAN: But you didn’t.
CASEY: I didn’t try?
DAN: You didn’t come up with a plan.
To be fair to Casey, it’s not like Dana has been receptive to Casey’s interferences in her personal life anyway. You try coming up with a plan in the face of that, Dan.
DANA: None of this would be happening if I had the Soshi/Suntac RTS III with built-in datapack.
JEREMY: Do you understand anything you’re saying?
DANA: No.
Me neither, but I like the way it sounds!
KIM: Let’s go. We’ll get you the pants in the c-break.
DAN: Okay, but I for one would feel more comfortable if everyone took their pants off.
CASEY: He’s right.
DAN: We’re a team.
“Hello, HR? I got another one for you…”
CASEY: I’ll tell ya… what really makes this outfit work are the socks.
KIM: I was gonna say.
I don’t know, man, they’re no Awesome Socks or anything…
CASEY: Technically, I have a plan.
DAN: What’s the plan?
CASEY: It’s Napoleon’s plan.
DAN: Who’s Napoleon?
CASEY: A 19th century French emperor.
DAN: You’re cracking wise with me now?
Really, Dan? You’re the one who asked who Napoleon is. How else was Casey supposed to respond?
RETURNING Verbal Tic: Almost hard to believe
Running count: 3
CASEY: He had a two-part plan.
DAN: What was it?
CASEY: “First we show up, then we see what happens.”
DAN: (beat) That was his plan.
CASEY: Yeah.
DAN: Against the Russian army.
CASEY: Yeah.
DAN: “First we show up, then we see what happens.”
CASEY: Yeah.
DAN: Almost hard to believe he lost.
There doesn’t seem to be any agreement on whether Napoleon actually originated the phrase Casey translates for us. The earliest attribution of the phrase to Napoleon in writing is dated 1870, nearly fifty years after his death — and the attributor was quick to clarify that Napoleon didn’t mean what Casey seems to think he meant. Another source from 1819 contains the line but not attributed to Napoleon, indicating perhaps the phrase was a French proverb rather than a quote.
NEW Dialogue Motif: Avert your/my eyes
DAN: Alyson — as you can see, Casey and I aren’t wearing any pants, so I think in the interest of office professionalism you should avert your eyes.
ALYSON: Okay.
DAN: Either that or take off your pants.
ALYSON: I’ll avert my eyes.
Coward.
CASEY: Suit yourself, but you should know I play squash three times a week and my calves have been called shapely.
This is in between your sessions of rock climbing and co-ed rugby?
DAN: Who’s been calling your calves shapely?
CASEY: My mom.
DAN: Okay, don’t talk to me for the rest of the show.
What, are you jealous Casey has a better relationship with his mom than you have with yours?
DAN: We’re right here in Midtown Manhattan…
Midtown Manhattan — got it, saving that information for later, once again.
DAN: In the interest of full disclosure.
CASEY: Say that again.
DAN: In the interest of full disclosure.
CASEY: That is so lame.
DAN: That’s not lame.
CASEY: It’s pretty lame.
DAN: Not only isn’t it lame, I think it happens to be right.
CASEY: Whereas I think it’s simultaneously both wrong and lame.
“It’s so lame, you’re having to wheel it around.”
DAN: We can differ — it’s okay with me — as long as you understand that I’m right.
CASEY: You’re not right.
DAN: By right, I meant honorable.
CASEY: It’s not right and it’s not honorable.
DAN: This is the high road.
CASEY: It’s the low road. It’s the lowest of roads. Other roads which would under normal circumstances be considered low roads would be high relative to this road.
“It even has AC/DC going, ‘Damn, that’s low.’”
RETURNING Verbal Tic: Résumé recitation
Running count: 9
DAN: But you have information she doesn’t have.
CASEY: I graduated Phi Beta Kappa, Danny, I have information most people don’t have. It’s my cross to bear.
From where, Casey? You graduated Phi Beta Kappa from where? I don’t think you have the hang of this résumé recitation thing like everyone else does.
CASEY: I have a plan.
DAN: First you show up, then you see what happens.
CASEY: It worked for Napoleon.
DAN: No, it didn’t work for Napoleon! Napoleon was defeated at Waterloo and died in exile on the island of Elba.
Wrong.
CASEY: Actually, he was murdered on Elba. It’s just one of many things I know that most people don’t.
Wrong! Napoleon died on the island of Saint Helena after a battle with stomach cancer. He was at the time in the middle of his second exile from France — his first exile had been to Elba, and his defeat at Waterloo was between those exiles. The idea of his being murdered was based on an hypothesis that he died of arsenic poisoning due to the substance being found in his hair, but that hypothesis has since been debunked — arsenic was a common ingredient in hair creams at the time of his death. Casey’s education sent him astray here.
NATALIE: What happens if I move Tampa Bay and St. Louis to the 4 block? Does something bad happen if I do that?
JEREMY: There’ll be 55 seconds of dead air starting at 11:22.
What the hell? Isn’t the implication of Natalie’s ask that she’ll move whatever was in the 4 block before into the vacated spot at 11:22pm?
NATALIE: That’s pretty bad.
What?!
JEREMY: I can’t give blood.
NATALIE: That’s fine.
…
JEREMY: Dan?
DAN: Yeah?
JEREMY: I can’t give blood.
DAN: (beat) Okay.
JEREMY: That’s all I had to say.
DAN: Well, you’ve given me a lot to think about.
(beep) Sarcasm Self Test complete! (beep)
DAN: I believe what I do now is right. I believe it in my guts, and my guts are all I have — my guts and a pleasing personality.
NATALIE: Dan —
DAN: I’ve always lived by my guts, Natalie.
Ayo, TMI, man…
DAN: About two months ago, Gordon spent the night with Sally.
…
NATALIE: Sally?
DAN: Yes. Now, I should tell you that Casey would prefer Dana didn’t know, so armed with the information I’ve just given you, I would ask you to be responsible, discrete —
NATALIE: (running out) DANA!
What exactly did you expect, Dan? She’s not exactly the most tight-lipped when it comes to the personal matters of others. You’ve even personally been witness to that!
DANA: Check out this strobe from B&C — 3-head outlets, symmetrical and asymmetrical power distribution, two-synch phone jack, style outlets, and built-in photo cell.
JEREMY: Do you even know what it does?
DANA: I don’t even know what it is.
Me neither, but I like the way it sounds!
NATALIE: Gordon slept with Sally a couple of months ago.
DANA: (pause) Who told you that?
NATALIE: I can’t tell you.
DANA: How did this person know?
NATALIE: They know.
DANA: How do they know?
NATALIE: I don’t know.
You’re not exactly being convincing by not revealing your source, Nat.
DANA: Well, I don’t believe it.
See?
RETURNING Verbal Tic: You think?
Running count: 3
DANA: I’ll ask him about it at lunch — but they got it wrong.
NATALIE: You think?
DANA: Yeah.
NATALIE: You seem calm.
DANA: Yes.
NATALIE: You wouldn’t think you’d be this calm.
DANA: No… you wouldn’t think so, would you?
NATALIE: No.
…
DANA: (to herself) You really wouldn’t think I’d be this calm.
Me neither — I guess she’s waiting to be driven out into the middle of the desert to be detonated?
RETURNING Verbal Tic: There it is
Running count: 2
DANA: Look at it.
GORDON: Yeah.
DANA: It’s like, there it is!
GORDON: Yeah.
DANA: Look, I’m waving it around and — wha! There’s an engagement ring!
GORDON: It looks great on you.
DANA: It’s the hardest substance known to man.
GORDON: Yes.
DANA: It can cut glass.
“You can also pop it like a gumball.”foreshadowing detected
GORDON: Dana, what’s on your mind?
DANA: What?
GORDON: What’s on your mind? You’ve been strange all through lunch.
DANA: Gordon, I’ve been strange my entire life.
Well, at least she admits it.
DANA: Did you have an affair with Sally Sasser?
GORDON: (pause) I don’t believe it.
DANA: Did you?
GORDON: I don’t believe it.
DANA: Gordon —
GORDON: Casey told you?
Oh, man, Gordon… you sure you want to deflect the accusation by demanding the source? Not exactly the right way to get back on her good side, my guy.
DANA: How would Casey know?
GORDON: What?
DANA: You thought that Casey told me. How would Casey know?
…
GORDON: It… (chuckles) this part is funny, actually. About a week before I had my… liaison with Sally, Casey spent the night at her place and left without his shirt. It was in her closet, I mistook it for my shirt. I was wearing it and Casey… called me on it.
DANA: (beat) I see.
GORDON: Dana, Dana… it was nothing. It would never, never happen when we were married.
DANA: I believe you.
Do you, though? Color me skeptical, sister.
JEREMY: Dana, I know the blood drive is important, I just can’t do it.
DANA: I could honestly care less.
You could? Oh, you mean you couldn’t, you petty little—
DANA: Did you sleep with my fiancé and then sleep with my anchor?
You got the order backwards, Dana.
NEW Dialogue Motif: Noel Coward shout-out
SALLY: I’m not prepared to stipulate that the answer to that question is any of your business.
DANA: Cut the crap, Sally, this isn’t a Noel Coward play.
NEW Verbal Tic: [I’m] not your X
SALLY: Nonetheless, I’m not your enemy and I’m not on your staff, so I’ll ask you to reconsider your tone of voice.
Are you kidding me, Sally? She’s asking you if you slept with someone, what “tone of voice” are you expecting exactly to cushion the blow of the question?
DANA: I don’t like territorial women, Sally!
… What? What does… what is that supposed to mean? Are you saying Sally is attempting to claim possession over the men in question? That doesn’t seem to be anywhere near her aim, Dana.
SALLY: First of all, I didn’t have to go very far out of my way to do either one…
See? She’s showing absolutely zero emotional attachment to either man. You don’t see her claiming territory here at all.
SALLY: … and the fact that you think that my personal life is an act of aggression —
DANA: You’re right.
SALLY: — is so typically you.
DANA: You’re absolutely right.
SALLY: (beat) What?
DANA: I’m sorry, you’re absolutely right, I can’t believe I just came in here and said that to you.
Holy shit, Dana has actually developed some self-awareness — props to her. It’s a little sad it had to be delivered to her by Sally of all people, but it’s been a long time coming so I’ll take it however I can get it.
SALLY: You’re not mad ‘cause I slept with Gordon. You don’t care that I slept with Gordon. You’re mad that I slept with Casey.
Uh oh.
DANA: Look, it was, I mean, it was one night.
SALLY: Well, i-it was one night with Gordon.
DANA: How many nights was it with Casey?
SALLY: We’ve been spending the night together for about two months.
DANA: Oh — I didn’t know.
Welp, I guess Dana’s incapable of stopping the charge from sticking! You should quit while you’re ahead, Dana.
SALLY: Casey doesn’t like me that much.
I’m sorry? He’s been sleeping with you for two months and you think he doesn’t like you? (sigh) Once again with the toxic heteronormativity…
DAN: I’ve been thinking…
A dangerous pasttime.
NATALIE: Daniel, don’t we have an understanding about sharing information?
Oh no, she called him “Daniel”, this isn’t going to end well.
RETURNING Dialogue Motif: A Little Punishment™
Previous instance: Sports Night 110
NATALIE: You knew about Gordon and Sally, and you knew about Casey and Sally, and someone didn’t share, did they?
DAN: No.
NATALIE: When the dust settles on this thing, you know what you’re gonna have to get?
DAN: Punishment?
NATALIE: A little punishment.
Dan’s already having sex withheld from him, what more “little punishment” did you have in mind?
DAN: You know how you didn’t want anyone to know about Gordon and Sally?
CASEY: (beat) Yeah.
DAN: That’s not so much the way it is anymore.
No kidding!
RETURNING Dialogue Motif: Beat the shit out of X
Previous instances: The American President; Malice; A Few Good Men; Sports Night 101
DAN: I think we gotta live in the now. I think we say, “Okay, this has happened.” I think we do those things.
CASEY: Really.
DAN: Yeah.
CASEY: I think I beat the crap out of you.
DAN: That’s not what I would call living in the now.
CASEY: No, it’s a lot more like beating the crap out of you.
Still want to see that alternate timeline where Sports Night lands on HBO instead of ABC…
CASEY: You told Dana?
DAN: I told Natalie, Natalie told [Dana.]
CASEY: [Oh,] boy! Who woulda thought?
Everyone except Dan, apparently!
RETURNING Dialogue Motif: Not that guy™
Previous instance: Sports Night 114
DAN: You don’t get to decide what the high road is, okay? You’re not that guy.
RETURNING Verbal Tic: From time to time
Running count: 4
DAN: From time to time, I call one on my own.
RETURNING Dialogue Motif: ‘Woman’ as an insult
Previous instances: Sports Night 103, 108
CASEY: You’re a woman, you know that? I’m gonna stick you under a hair dryer.
Fuck off, Casey.
NEW Dialogue Motif: The ‘Oversexed’ Rant™
DANA: You… are a sleazy, slimy, adolescent, oversexed, overpaid blowhole!
DAN: (pause) Which one of us are you talking [to?]
DANA: [Get] out!
DAN: (to CASEY) The high road, my [friend —]
CASEY: [Get out.]
“Mr. Whitford will escort you out.”
DANA: Please lower your voice, I do not want your tawdry tales of office lust infecting my newsroom.
KIM: Casey?
CASEY: Yeah?
ELLIOT: We’d like to hear them.
Please — you two hear enough from Natalie’s mouthing off about Jeremy to have your fill.
CASEY: I don’t see why you have any right to be upset about this.
DANA: Really.
CASEY: Yeah.
DANA: Then why were you keeping it a secret?
CASEY: ‘Cause I thought you might be upset about this.
DANA: Well —
CASEY: Well, I didn’t think you had a right to, but I thought you might be upset.
Yeah, when you really get down to it, Casey’s right: Dana has no business being upset about Casey’s sleeping with Sally. Sure, Dana has (or claims to have) a professional rivalry with Sally, but that rivalry really shouldn’t extend to whom she beds — and even if it did, as we heard from Sally earlier it’s not like Casey would have let Sally use him to ingratiate herself into Dana’s job, and Dana should trust Casey enough to recognize as much. She and Casey been friends for fifteen years, she should know better. What is going on here, Dana?
DANA: I’m going to buy a camera.
CASEY: Okay.
DANA: I’m buying the Soshi/Suntac RTS III.
…
DANA: I’m getting the contax filters and the rubber hood, too.
Aaaaand she falls back on the camera technobabble — I guess she’ll never say.
CASEY: This is happening way too often.
DAN: Actually, I think you’re getting caught in the crossfire of my punishment.
CASEY: Who’s punishing you?
DAN: Natalie, for not telling her sooner — I think she’s withholding our pants.
Really? Her punishment for you is to do something that’s already been happening to you anyway? I think you’re being a little paranoid, Dan.
JEREMY: I’ll write a check, I’ll volunteer my time, I just prefer not to give my actual blood.
Okay, I’ve put off talking about this long enough — yeah, Jeremy’s characterization got completely steam-rolled for this episode. We never properly hear what problem he has with giving his blood, we just hear his repeating that he won’t give over and over again. I would find this throughline more believable if we had heard him provide some sort of medical reason for not wanting to give blood (not so much religious reason, given he’s a Jew), but instead we’re just given a thoroughly unnecessary thread to this episode for no reason other than an apparent attempt at comic relief. Swing and a miss, for me.
For what it’s worth, by the way: if the issue really is the needle, he needn’t be worried — and neither should you, if it’s the same for you. When you give blood, the needle stick is done in a maximally sanitary and minimally painful manner by trained professionals, and you needn’t look at the damn thing at all during the process (it’s covered until just before insertion, and you’re encouraged to look away before it’s uncapped). To be perfectly honest, the needle in the arm is less painful than the finger prick they do beforehand to test your iron level, and that pain is only momentary anyway. (Side note: if you’re like I was and think your iron level won’t be high enough to donate, you should know I’m a vegetarian and have never even come close to the Red Cross’s lower bound on iron level.)
DAN: Those are nice boxers.
CASEY: Shut up.
What, would you rather he called your calves shapely?
NATALIE: Did you know about any of this?
JEREMY: Any of what?
NATALIE: Gordon and Casey and Sally?
JEREMY: I don’t even know about it now.
NATALIE: But you know about sharing.
JEREMY: Yes.
NATALIE: And you know about punishment.
JEREMY: Yes.
NATALIE: Good.
So does this mean Natalie considers it a moral imperative to share secrets with her? Threatening Jeremy in advance of his doing anything “wrong” is a bit much here, otherwise.
DANA: Guys, you’re going to have to do the first two blocks without your pants. Casey, you should feel right at home.
Oh, for fuck’s sake, Dana…
DAN: Secretly, you’re happy.
CASEY: The high road’s a very happy place, Danny.
DAN: Look, it’s your plan.
CASEY: We just showed up. Now… we’ll see what happens.
A lot has happened already, Casey — what more exactly are you expecting to happen?
… Oh, right, we have one more episode after this one.
Let me be clear here: I think this is a serviceable episode for what needed to happen. With the season finale fast approaching, the Gordon storyline needed to be shook up further and having Dan be the conduit for events to get rolling serves to keep him afloat in the wake of Rebecca’s removal from the rest of the season. It’s also thoroughly refreshing to have Dana finally bury her longstanding hatchet with Sally, which neatly sets up expecting the same with Casey in the finale (he said confidently). The lack of proper B-plot can be forgiven considering how much needed to happen for the A-plot, though it did have the side effect of Jeremy’s character’s getting shafted considerably. Ignoring Jeremy’s shortcomings herein, however, this episode sets up promises for a satisfying season finale.
If you’ve managed to get this far into my journey and haven’t done so yet, then your RSS aggregator is just begging for you to add a subscription to this blog so you’ll have one of the front row seats to the rest of this journey. Coming up next: a ninth inning rally.
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