Entry 034 - The West Wing 105 (The Crackpots and These Women)
In which we're smoking chili
SERIES: The West Wing
EPISODE NUMBER: 105
TITLE: The Crackpots and These Women
PREMIERE: 20 Oct 1999
DIRECTOR: Anthony Drazan
DRAFT SCRIPT: PDF
These changes do not reflect the full extent of rewrites being done on this episode. This is Act One. Acts Two, Three and [sic] Four will follow. ——A.S.
I’ll be honest with you, this production note from the draft script seems a little much to me. We’ll see Mr. Sorkin once again had trouble keeping his scripts to the time constraints of an hour of television, but aside from those cuts the changes herein between draft and episode aren’t all that earth-shattering. As far as the episode itself is concerned, I daresay we have ourselves the episode that truly establishes the rest of the series. You’ll see what I mean as we now step through the episode.
SAM: (V.O.) Previously on The West Wing…
Eh, I’ll take it.
CHARLIE: Maybe you want to sit out for a minute, sir.
BARTLET: Why would I want to do that?
JOSH: ‘Cause people are bound to be pretty upset when they find out we killed the President.
It was at this point the Secret Service tackled Josh.
TOBY: You’re really going to keep playing?
BARTLET: Take the ball out, let’s go.
TOBY: Oh, this is perfect, you know that? This is a perfect metaphor. After you’re gone and the poets write ‘The Legend of Josiah Bartlet’, let them write you as a tragic figure, sir. Let the poets write that he had the tools of greatness, but the voices of his better angels were shouted down by his obsessive need to win.
BARTLET: You want to play or write my eulogy?
TOBY: Can I be honest with you, sir?
It was at this point the Secret Service tackled Toby. … No, wait, this isn’t the Ford administration.
Side note: you’ll note by the URL for the draft script that its page 69 is missing (nice), but that is unfortunately not the only missing page. Page 64 is also missing — as is page 2, which means we have no visibility into how much of the preceding may have changed. Based on what happens in later scenes, I trust the answer is, “not much.”
BARTLET: Mr. Grant is a federal employee.
TOBY: You know the thing about you, Mr. President, isn’t so much that you cheat, it’s how brazenly bad you are at it.
BARTLET: I beg your pardon?
JOSH: Toby’s got a point there, sir.
BARTLET: When have I ever cheated?
TOBY: How ‘bout Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J., you tried to tell us that your partner worked at the American Consulate [in Vienna.]
BARTLET: [And she did!]
TOBY: It was Steffi Graf, sir.
BARTLET: Well, I will admit that the woman bore a striking [resemblance to Steffi Graf.]
TOBY: [It was Steffi Graf,] you crazy lunatic! You think I’m not gonna recognize Steffi Graf when she’s serving a tennis ball at me?
For those not familiar: Steffi Graf had two and a half years prior to this episode closed out her WTA record 377th week at the number 1 spot, a total she started amassing a decade prior with a maiden number 1 spot tenure of 186 consecutive weeks, another WTA record. She retired from competitive play not long before this episode aired, thus continuing Mr. Sorkin’s impeccable timing where professional athletes’ retirements are concerned (see: “Dana and the Deep Blue Sea”).
NEW Dialogue Motif: Organized Ball™
TOBY: Mr. Grant, your name sounds awfully familiar. Before you joined up with the President’s Council on Physical Fitness — a council, I might add, the President would do well to avail himself of — is it possible that you played some organized ball?
GRANT: Yeah, I used to play a little with my friends.
TOBY: And where was that?
GRANT: I’m sorry?
TOBY: Where would that be?
GRANT: … Duke.
(TOBY and JOSH laugh)
TOBY: This guy was in the Final Four!
Cut from the draft script is Mr. Grant responding with, “Yeah, but we didn’t win or anything.” In point of fact, the 1999 Final Four did include the Blue Devils, and they even won their Final Four game against Michigan State, but they lost in the finals to Connecticut. It is worth noting, however, in case there was any doubt, that there was no Rodney Grant on that Blue Devils roster, so we’re back to the No Celebrities Were Harmed policy once again.
BARTLET: Let the poets write about that there, Byron!
TOBY: Charlie, guard the new guy.
Oh, hey, want to hear an interesting change? This entire scene was originally written to have Sam as Toby and Josh’s teammate rather than Charlie. I suppose Sam was still looking for his stray basketball in Nashua?foreshadowing detected
Also, HOLY SHIT WE FINALLY HAVE AN ORCHESTRA FOR THE THEME, LET’S FUCKING GO! If only the French horn hadn’t blown a valve early on…
DONNA: Donald hasn’t called me yet.
JOSH: Who’s Donald?
DONNA: Donald.
JOSH: Yes.
DONNA: From the thing.
Stunning specificity, sister…
JOSH: Right — can we clear up a few things about my level of interest in the revolving door of local gomers that you see in the free time you create by not working very hard at your job?
What the fuck?
DONNA: Excuse me?
JOSH: You work hard at your job.
DONNA: How hard?
JOSH: Very hard.
DONNA: And I am?
JOSH: Not at all controlling.
DONNA: Leo wants you to meet someone named Lacey from the National Security Council in his office after staff.
JOSH: Thank you.
DONNA: What do you think it’s about?
JOSH: I don’t know, but this is the White House, so it’s probably not that important.
Tempting fate, anyone?foreshadowing detected
C.J.: There’s an article I want you to read in the New Yorker.
JOSH: What’s it about?
C.J.: Smallpox.
JOSH: The disease?
C.J.: No, the dessert topping, Josh.
“Here’s your sign.”
MANDY: I still don’t know what we’re talking about.
TOBY: It’s “Throw Open Our Office Doors to People Who Want to Discuss Things That We Could Care Less About Day”.
You could? Oh, you mean you couldn’t, you disrespectful sonuva—
LEO: Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese.
TOBY: Huh.
(some staffers giggle)
LEO: I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I am preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge, over two tons — and it was there for any and all who might be hungry.
TOBY: Leo, wouldn’t this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can’t possibly defend itself against us?
LEO: We can do that later, Toby, right now I’m talking about President Andrew Jackson.
SAM: Actually, right now, you’re talking about a big block of cheese.
LEO: And Sam goes on my list!
SAM: What about Toby?
LEO: I’m unpredictable.
Thank fuck no one from Wall Street is in the room.
RETURNING Verbal Tic: From time to time
Running count: 6
LEO: Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.
Yeah, he did that in between his sessions of flipping the bird to the Supreme Court.
RETURNING Verbal Tic: From time to time
Running count: 7
LEO: It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention. I know the more jaded among you see this as something rather beneath you — but I assure you that listening to the voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the peoples’ servants.
JOSH: Sorry we’re late. Is it Total Crackpot Day again?
The trend of uncut Gilligan cuts continues, I see…
RETURNING Non-Verbal Signature: Slap upside the head
Previous instance: Sports Night 110
LEO: First of all — (smash JOSH upside the head)
JOSH: Ow!
LEO: That’s for Total Crackpot Day.
“Hello, HR? … Oh, right, you work for Leo, never mind.”
LACEY: I’d like you to keep this card on your person at all times. If you keep it in your wallet and you lose your wallet, your first call isn’t to American Express, it’s to us.
…
JOSH: … What’s the card do?
LACEY: It tells you where to go in the event of a nuclear attack.
Okay, color me skeptical — I find it a little hard to believe that the NSC would have people literally carry around a card telling a person where to go in the event of a nuclear attack. It would be more fitting in my mind instead to have that person briefed to memorize their pathing for that scenario — which would have saved the government money on index cards.foreshadowing detected
On top of that, I once again find it necessary to point out we’re already well past half a year into this administration — and Josh is only now getting his instructions on what do to in a nuclear emergency? What the hell took the NSC so long on this delivery? I know the Cold War was over at this point so it probably wasn’t as urgent, but this still seems like a hole in their security procedures.
JOSH: A-and my staff goes with me, or do they have separate…?
(awkward silence)
Uh oh.
JOSH: Oh, god — sorry, you know what? I just got it. Sorry…
Took you long enough.
JOSH: I’m just gonna stick this right here right next to my, uh, my video club membership…
Another dating of this show with “video club membership” — as of this writing, there is literally only one remaining Blockbuster store in the entire world.
SAM: Last week’s rise in the producer’s price index coupled with the increasingly tight labor market have sparked a growing concern over future inflation. Do you share that concern, sir?
…
BARTLET: No, not at all — the U.S. economy remains fundamentally strong as the steady decline in unemployment reflects, which I think is cause for satisfaction, not gloom. The solitary aberrant spike in the P.P.I. is not cause for overreaction.
I’d say this discussion about inflation is relatable if I understood a word of it.
MANDY: Yes, and Mr. President, if you could further see clear to not answer that question like an economics professor with a big old stick up his butt, that would be good, too.
BARTLET: I am an economics professor with a big old stick up my butt, but I’ll do my best for you there, Mandy.
You should probably have that checked out, sir.
TOBY: Let’s move to guns.
BARTLET: We don’t need to do guns.
TOBY: Sir, they are absolutely gonna ask about guns.
BARTLET: I’m not saying they’re not gonna ask about them, Toby, I’m saying I’m all set.
TOBY: How ‘bout one or two questions, Mr. President?
BARTLET: (look as watch) Is it time for my 10am scolding?
Where we’ve seen the lighter side of the President and Toby’s camaraderie in previous episodes, this episode decides to present us with the darker side of that relationship — to wit:
SAM: Mr. President, is there any reason to believe this victory, this weapons ban bill, will have any significant reduction in crime?
BARTLET: Yes, next question.
TOBY: Mr. President —
BARTLET: Ah, Mr. Ziegler from the Coney Island Killjoy, you have a follow-up?
…
TOBY: Four days ago, sir, we talked this over.
BARTLET: Then I talked it over with some other people.
TOBY: Which people?
BARTLET: I have lots of other people.
That many who are as close to your ear as Toby has been, sir? Color me skeptical once again.
TOBY: Sir, I believe we are missing a huge opportunity here…
The scene continues from here in the draft script:
DROPPED Verbal Tic: What do you want from me
DRAFT BARTLET: I have many opportunities.
DRAFT TOBY: Mr. President —
DRAFT BARTLET: Toby, what the hell do you want from me? We shot up eight points after that win.
DRAFT TOBY: Well, let’s keep our fingers crossed that none of our new fans are among the 30,000 people this bill won’t protect from a gun this year.
If you listen closely, you can very vaguely hear the “eight points” half of Bartlet’s second line there, but everything else is basically inaudible, so I’ll have to classify this verbal tic as dropped. As for Toby’s line… yikes.
C.J.: What’s going on?
JOSH: (beat) Hmm?
C.J.: What’s going on?
JOSH: Oh, we’re doing the thing.
Stunning specificity, man…
C.J.: Good morning, Mrs. Landingham. Where are we in the saga of Toby and the President?
LANDINGHAM: They seem to be having a disagreement.
C.J.: A disagreement or a fight?
LANDINGHAM: Well, it certainly has the potential for —
BARTLET: (O.S.) Oh, for god’s sake, Toby!!
LANDINGHAM: Right… there we go.
The dynamic between Toby and the President is so well-worn that C.J. refers to it as a continuing saga, and even Mrs. Landingham is quietly resigned to the inevitability of the conversation — “there we go” indeed.
RETURNING Verbal Tic: To say nothing of [the fact]
Running count: 6
BARTLET: I’m not gonna come out and say the bill we just passed is worthless.
TOBY: If we can just admit its weaknesses.
MANDY: Toby.
TOBY: Why not?
MANDY: It will infuriate the left, it will energize the right, and everyone in the middle’s gonna feel they just got yanked around. (beat) I’m sorry, Mr. President, did you want to answer that?
BARTLET: Yeah, my answer was gonna be “because I said so”, but you did pretty good.
MANDY: To say nothing of taking a victory and declaring defeat.
You say that as if that hasn’t been the Democratic strategy for 30 years.
MANDY: Look, Toby, by changing some words —
TOBY: By changing some words — the world can move or not by changing some words.
I’m gonna file this line under “Aaron Sorkin partially reveals his philosophy of writing”.
BARTLET: What’s your point?
TOBY: I have many points, sir, I choose not to make them right now.
BARTLET: Well, on behalf of everybody in the West Wing, Toby, let me just say that that’s a relief.
(beep) Sarcasm Self Test complete! (beep)
LEO: You’re not getting out of these [appointments.]
C.J.: [This is a] very important press conference.
LEO: This is a thoroughly unimportant press [conference.]
SAM: [I think this] press conference is about our future.
BARTLET: I think this press conference is about we haven’t had a press conference in a while.
Certainly you folks are saying “press conference” like it’s going out of style…
SAM: So, you are from the United States Space Command?
Cut from the start of this scene is Sam and Cathy taking another moment to try to parse what “us-spac-om” is, as Sam decides to pronounce it, before giving up and trusting Bob Engler to tell him — only for Sam to figure it out on his own just as he’s greeting Mr. Engler with the above line. I think it’s possible it may actually have been filmed as written, as the above line suspiciously sounds ADR’d. Considering the direction of the rest of this scene, I don’t miss the cut at all — and you see what I mean almost immediately:
BOB: We’re a little nerdy, I’ll admit.
SAM: You camouflage it well with your clothing.
#SamSeabornIsAnAsshole
BOB: We’d like the White House to pay a little more attention to UFOs.
SAM: Are we paying any attention at all right now?
BOB: No.
SAM: Thank god — like we don’t have enough trouble with the First Lady and her Ouija board.
Going through these older episodes again, I’m starting to think the character of the First Lady was going to go in an entirely different direction at one point before the part was actually given a written voice. The original pilot script strongly suggested that the First Lady was perhaps to the right of the President politically with the White House’s relationship with the Christian Right essentially contingent on her. Couple that with the implication she’s into Ouija, it’s easy to get the impression the First Lady is perhaps a bit of an airhead. How long do you suppose until we’re disabused of that notion?
BOB: This morning at 6:35am local time, air traffic control in Honolulu picked up an unidentified flying object flying east across the Pacific towards California. Air Force and Navy Jets have been in the area for hours and have been unable to establish visual contact. These things happen and go unexplained.
Man, I miss Sam Lloyd…
RETURNING Plot Bunny: Therapy slag
Previous instance: Sports Night 106
SAM: … there are levels and an order to our air defense command, and to jump from a radar officer to the commander-in-chief would skip several of those levels.
BOB: Like what?
SAM: Like the Pentagon, and, you know, perhaps therapy.
Oh, good lord — #SamSeabornIsAnAsshole
Perhaps mercifully, a scene after this one was cut in which Donna finds Josh reading the smallpox article C.J. assigned him and clearly not enjoying it — which really would have made Sam’s dig at therapy even more unbearable, considering where we see Josh next.
RETURNING Sorkin Name: Larry
Previous instance: The West Wing (recurring)
MANDY: I know the President is not wild about Larry Posner’s fundraiser on the California trp, but I think we can’t pass.
The start of this scene was truncated by a few lines, which I normally wouldn’t deign to point out, except that one of the lines is C.J. directing to Mandy to “walk with me”. Yet another meter click denied…
MANDY: C.J., if it gets a vote then isn’t it worth it?
C.J.: Which would be fine if Roberto Benigni could vote in our elections, but since he’s Italian, that makes me a six foot wet girl in a Donna Karan dress.
Ayo?
RETURNING Verbal Tic: To say nothing of [the fact]
Running count: 7
LEO: I’m the only one in the room who isn’t an economist, but it seems to me that the annual budget for the new fiscal year is found either in balance, in deficit, or in surplus. I don’t know how I can sell Congress, to say nothing of people who graduated eighth grade, on the idea that there’s anything in between.
BARTLET: Leo’s not talking about the portion being accounted for as off-budget and particularly not the long-term capital outlays.
LEO: Here’s where you lose me.
BARTLET: I’m gonna make chili!
LEO: Yes.
BARTLET: I’ll make it for everybody. Charlie!
…
LEO: And you’re gonna be the one to, you know, cook this food?
…
BARTLET: I’m gonna need some ingredients.
CHARLIE: Like what?
LEO: Well, he’ll need some chili.
BARTLET: Don’t ever listen to him.
This sequence reads to me like Leo may have had past experience with the President’s cooking. I bet he’s already plotting how to sneak some antacids into the party.
LEO: How could you possibly remember that ten years ago there was a 188 billion dollar debt increase off a 22 billion dollar deficit?
BARTLET: God, I was right?
LEO: Ah, that’s what I thought.
(BARTLET laughs)
Ah, so he was talking out of his ass earlier. He’s quite fluent, if I may say so myself.
BARTLET: Zoey’s down from Hanover, I’m making chili for everyone tonight.
(general disinterested assent from the senior staff)
BARTLET: Alright, you know what? Let’s do this — everybody, look down at the big seal in the middle of my carpet.
(everyone looks down at the Presidential Seal)
BARTLET: Now, everybody look back up at me.
(everyone looks back up)
BARTLET: Zoey’s coming down from Hanover and I’m making chili for everyone night.
(considerably more enthusiastic assent from the senior staff)
BARTLET: There, you see how benevolent I can be when everybody just does what I tell them to do? Now, sit down.
“Cut! Come on, Martin, you know that siddown isn’t in the script! Ah, you know what, leave it in…”
LEO: I would like this meeting to last no more than three minutes, I will allow it to last no more that five.
I’m starting the clock again — I have 17:20 on my video player. Let’s play along.
TOBY: Larry Posner’s movies are incredibly violent.
SAM: So is The Godfather — what you mean to say is Larry Posner’s movies are incredibly bad.
TOBY: No, actually, what I mean to say is Larry Posner’s movies are indicative of a Hollywood that is excessively violent, arrogantly violent, and is promoting violence and the disrespect of human life. Either way, I don’t see how we can admonish Hollywood on a Tuesday and cash their check on a Wednesday.
It looks like maybe Mr. Sorkin realized at some point that the scene was too short, as Toby’s spiel on “disrespect of human life” is not in the draft script as we have it. It makes for a fitting addition, particularly since it’s Toby saying it, and as we all know I’m all for putting more words in Richard Schiff’s mouth.
TOBY: How can we do that?
BARTLET: ‘Cause it’s Hollywood, who gives a damn?
TOBY: (beat) Now, hang on a second, Mr. President — you have me drafting a speech for the entertainment industry where we more than suggest, we come right out and say that much of their product is corruptive. Now, a-are we doing this because we believe that it’s time for them to take moral leadership seriously, or are we doing it because nobody ever lost an election attacking Hollywood?
BARTLET: Why can’t we do both?
At the same time?
TOBY: That’s not hypocritical, sir?
BARTLET: No.
TOBY: Why not?
BARTLET: Because Sam is right — it’s not that Larry Posner’s movies have gratuitous sex and gratuitous violence. It’s that they suck, they’re terrible — but people go to see them because they have gratuitous sex and gratuitous violence. Now, if we could just get people to stop going to see crappy movies, Posner would stop making them, I promise you.
Good luck with that.
TOBY: How’s that strategy working for us in the war on drugs, sir?
I spoke too soon earlier — Mr. Sorkin did not realize this scene was too short, as a pair of lines got cut after this moment:
DRAFT MANDY: Toby, we give a speech that quiets down the right, doesn’t bother the middle, and the left ends up giving us 1.2 million at a cocktail party. That sounds like a successful trip to me.
DRAFT TOBY: Really? ‘Cause to me is [sic] sounds like a hose job.
Honestly don’t miss that exchange — it would have made Mandy out to be thoroughly unbearable when she’s been a reasonable presence so far this episode.
TOBY: We are going to go out there and implore these people to step up to the plate and not be quite so casual with the awesome influence that they have, that’s fantastic — but, sir, every time someone makes headlines by blowing thunder at this ridiculous target, it only serves as a criminal distraction in the pursuit of actual solutions. Now, lemme — lemme just say one other thing.
“Cut! Richard, darling, it’s ‘and I’ll tell you what else’, you know how important that is!”
TOBY: If I were an actor, or a writer, or a director, or a-a-a-a producer in Hollywood, and someone would start coming at me with lists of things that were American and un-American, I’d start to think that this was sounding eerily familiar.
Ehhhh, you’re going off the rails, brother…
BARTLET: Do I look like Joe McCarthy to you, Toby?
TOBY: No, sir — nobody ever looks like Joe McCarthy, that’s how they get in the door in the first place.
Airdate: 20 Oct 1999 — we don’t even have to imagine a McCarthy-like presidency anymore, it’s happening now.
C.J.: We seem to have wandered off the point a bit.
LEO: Yeah — and time’s up.
I have 19:48 on my video player — two minutes and 28 seconds. We still technically had half a minute left, Leo, what gives?
NEW Dialogue Motif: That was predictable
CATHY: You know that doughnut sitting on your desk?
SAM: You ate it.
CATHY: That was predictable, wasn’t it?
Serves you right for earlier, Sam.
SAM: Had a guy in my office today, he’d like us to spend a little more time working on UFOs.
JOSH: Are we spending any time working on UFOs?
SAM: That’s what I said.
JOSH: ‘Cause coming on the heels of Mrs. Bartlet’s Ouija board —
SAM: I hear ya.
See, the Oujia bit wasn’t just an off-color joke earlier! We are being told to believe the First Lady is actually into Ouija through this episode. This honestly feels like a continuity error to me.
JOSH: Listen, you’re close with Cathy, right?
SAM: I haven’t seen her naked, if that’s what you’re asking.
JOSH: No, Sam, wow, that’s not what I’m asking.
SAM: I mean, she’s like my younger sister, but she gets paid, and —
JOSH: Right.
SAM: — and she frightens me.
JOSH: Yes.
SAM: But I love her.
JOSH: Yeah.
SAM: It’s like you and Donna.
Josh and Donna’s relationship established to be analogous to Sam and Cathy’s relationship — got it, noting that for later.
JOSH: When they gave you the card and they told you that it was just you and not Cathy, how did you… how’d you feel about that?
SAM: When they gave me what card?
Abort, Josh.
JOSH: The NSC guy, the card with the directions.
SAM: The directions to…?
Abort!
JOSH: You, C.J., Toby — I-I’m saying when the NSC guy gave you your cards…
ABORT!
SAM: What card?
JOSH: (pause) Nothing, uh… I-I-I was — I was thinking of a different… nothing — nothing.
Smooth move, Ex-lax.
DROPPED Verbal Tic: To say nothing of [the fact]
JERRY: For four years, scientists have tracked Pluie as she made her way from Banff National Park in Alberta up and down the Rockies. In that time, she’s made three round trips between Canada and Wyoming covering 40 thousand square miles.
LOOMIS: We think you’ll admit it was a pretty impressive performance for Pluie, especially when you consider the impediments of modern life she had to conquer — highways, housing, forests denuded of trees…
MARGE: Not to mention the US-Canadian border.
“Cut! Miss, you know it says ‘to say nothing of the US-Canadian border’, it’s very important you say it like that!”
LOOMIS: Why does Pluie make the trek? Because wolves have to breed with many packs in order to keep from becoming extinct.
C.J.: Really?
LOOMIS: If they breed among themselves, they’ll eventually produce offspring that’s genetically weaker, thus endangering their long-term survival.
C.J.: That helps explain Buckingham Palace.
Yeah, just ask Prince Harry.
C.J.: An eighteen hundred mile wolves-only roadway?
MARGE: Pluie, you’ll recall, had to —
C.J.: Hang on — how are you gonna teach wolves to follow road signs?
JERRY: Our scientists are working on a plan.
C.J.: Yeah, but in the meantime, Pluie’s gonna get drunk and wander off the wolves-only road and end up eating my cat.
Come on, C.J., wolves are carnivores, they aren’t going to eat anything fermented to get drunk. Also, I happen to know you don’t have a cat — but I suppose you were just being hypothetical on that part, so I’ll let that go.
LOOMIS: Ranchers are killers.
C.J.: No, they’re not, and anyone who says it should take it back. Ranchers face the following conditions — falling stock prices, rising taxes, prolonged drought, and a country that’s eating less beef.
Woah, woah, woah, hold the phone — first of all, let’s let it sink in for a moment that a Democrat is calling rising taxes a problem. Second of all, I’d personally think you’d be hard-pressed to find a rancher who has falling stock prices at the forefront of their mind. I’m not necessarily saying they shouldn’t — their retirement probably depends on the stock market, which is a thoroughly annoying topic I’ll save for another time — but I still doubt many actually do. Third: oh, boo hoo, we vegetarians are killing people’s way of life, I’ve certainly never heard that one before…sarcasm detected
MARGE: Pluie was shot and killed by a rancher in British Columbia last month.
C.J.: (pause) I’m… sorry to hear that.
MARGE: I’m not sure you are.
Cut from the draft script is C.J. responding to this accusation with “I’ll have to live with your doubts” — almost certainly cut in exchange for injecting awkwardness into the above sequence for C.J. that was not specified in the draft script. Just as well, I’d say — I don’t want any more hashtags for characters’ being assholes.
RETURNING Verbal Tic: You think?
Running count: 6
C.J.: We’re not gonna do it.
LOOMIS: Well, sure, there are other things we could spend the money on.
C.J.: You think?
MARGE: I’d like to hear what you think. What’s a better way to spend this money?
C.J.: Nine hundred million dollars?
MARGE: Another war plane, another S&L bailout?
C.J.: How about we build the nine best schools in the world?
Ah, classic Democrat, thinking a hundred million dollars is sufficient to build a world-class school…
MANDY: Posner’s a huge supporter, Toby. I don’t have to tell you that.
TOBY: No, you don’t.
MANDY: I came in here to be nice to you, Toby.
Cut from the draft script before Mandy’s change in tack is Mandy attempting to pull a parallel from the President and Posner to Kennedy and Sinatra, to which Toby responds with assent to having Sinatra throw them a party. This cut is the first in a long string of cuts from here on out that suggests Mr. Sorkin almost certainly had trouble early on keeping his writing to 43 minutes.
MANDY: I’m glad David Rosen passed on the Communications job, they couldn’t have done better than you.
TOBY: (beat) Excuse me?
MANDY: I’m saying you make a better Communications Director than David Rosen ever would’ve been. That’s me [sic] being nice.
No, it’s not, Mandy, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Side note: I see we’ve finally gotten a chance to reuse the Rosen surname that got cut from the Sports Night pilot script!
TOBY: Remember a few months ago when I asked you if I was the President’s first choice?
Cut before this moment from the draft script is an explicit depiction of Toby (mercifully) pulling C.J. out of her Cheese meeting, which comes at the heels of this exchange:
DRAFT LOOMIS: In terms of the grizzly’s mating needs, Yellowstone is the size of a postage stamp.
DRAFT MARGE: Remember that there are a lot of people who think Federal funding for the arts is crazy.
DRAFT C.J.: Not as crazy as 450 million dollars so that bears can have better sex. If we’re gonna start doling out money for better sex, the line forms behind me.
Down, girl…
TOBY: And you called me paranoid?
C.J.: Yes.
TOBY: And a nudnik, you called me a paranoid nudnik.
That is a colorful word, let me look it up:
Does it technically count as racist if you use Yiddish to insult a Jew? Asking for a friend…
TOBY: He’s about to have a press conference. Let me talk to him about the gun thing, we’ll just leave Hollywood for some other time.
C.J.: Since when do you need help talking to the President?
TOBY: Since all of a sudden I became the kid in the class with his hand raised that nobody wants the teacher to call on.
C.J.: That’s silly.
TOBY: No, it is not.
Well, yeah, it actually kind of is, Toby — at least from what we’ve seen from past episodes. Particularly last episode, we’ve been treated to a comfortably close cameraderie between Toby and the President. That isn’t to say the animosity in this episode is necessarily incompatible with that cameraderie — indeed, that Toby feels confident enough to verbalize his objections is further evidence of that cameraderie — but to suggest the President is straight up ignoring Toby in the wake of that animosity is a stretch. If anything, if he is it’s almost certainly because Toby compared him to Joe McCarthy, so it should just be a matter of having Toby apologizing for that.
Side note: not only did the top of this scene get cut, much after this scene got cut as well. The President and an entourage join up with Toby and C.J. on their way to the briefing room for the press conference. First, Sam quizzes the President with a question on the Federal Reserve:
DRAFT SAM: “Mr. President, what would be your reaction to the Fed raising interest rates?”
DRAFT BARTLET: “I’ll place the Chairman under arrest.”
DRAFT SAM: Sir —
DRAFT BARTLET: “The Federal Reserve is an independent yada yada yada.”
Fitting exchange for the times…
The President then asks Donna where an absent Josh is, to which Donna responds he’s at the dentist with a chipped tooth. The President seems to accept the lie, as he simply asks in response if he’ll still be at chili that night. He then swats away Mandy’s objection to his tie, which makes for two Sorkinisms dropped by this scene’s removal. Toby then administers a quiz of his own:
DRAFT TOBY: “Mr. President, how do you respond to those like Congressman Richardson who say the Assault Ban was just a feel-good placebo?”
DRAFT BARTLET: I say I disagree. The Assault Ban is far from perfect but it’s an important step in a long, long journey — and I suggest that anyone who thinks we could’ve done more at this moment in time is simply being unrealistic. (beat) Anything else, Toby?
DRAFT TOBY: No, sir. Good luck. I’ll watch from the back.
Having read that exchange, I now find myself missing this scene, as it makes for a satisfying rebuke to Toby’s concern about not being listened to — in addition to providing a fantastic crash course on how good government works inch-by-inch. However, it’s probably just as well that it got cut, considering it theoretically makes the exchange we get between the President and Toby in the end a little less powerful. Yet another moment of my being of two minds…
JOSH: I’m out of practice.
STANLEY: That’s what comes from not coming to see me for ten months.
Holy fuck, seriously? You have a therapist and haven’t seen him for ten months? I know the job can be all-consuming, Josh, but that really makes it more important to keep up regular appointments, does it not?
NEW Plot Bunny: Schubert’s Ave Maria
JOSH: I can’t get Ave Maria out of my head.
STANLEY: The Schubert?
Eh, I’m partial to the Biebl myself.
JOSH: My sister used to play it over and over in her room, but that was… I don’t know how many years ago.
STANLEY: Your sister who died?
JOSH: Joanie.
STANLEY: Why did Joanie play the Ave Maria in her room?
JOSH: She liked music… a lot. She liked it a lot. She wanted to be an orchestra conductor. She used to pretend she was… conducting the music. Anyway, there’s that… plus, I have to tell you, I was a little thrown off this morning when they gave me this card… and it turns out that I was the only one who got one — I mean, of my friends. It surprised me… Joanie and Toby and C.J. and Sam —
STANLEY: Joanie?
(sigh) I gotta be honest, doing Freudian slips well is not really a strong suit for Mr. Sorkin — each one we get from him tends to play off a little awkwardly, and yes, this is not the only such instance. Brownie points to whoever can remember another before we get there.
RETURNING Sorkin Name: Stanley
Previous instances: Malice; Sports Night 102
JOSH: I gotta go.
STANLEY: Josh?
JOSH: It’s really not a big deal, Stanley, I’m sorry I had you cancel an appointment.
STANLEY: But I did cancel. Why don’t you take your coat off and sit down?
JOSH: It was an impulse, I-I wasted your time.
STANLEY: Josh, do you think it’s strange that you’ve never told me how Joanie died?
Are you fucking kidding me? First no visits for ten months and now we hear Josh has been withholding some critical information even before then — I’m starting to get the feeling this therapist doesn’t know how to do his job very well.
JOSH: Uh… she was babysitting for me, and there was a fire.
Oh no — here’s the first instance of it, and we’ll unfortunately get it again later: what exactly is meant by ‘babysitting for someone’? That preposition is either incorrect or I’m missing something else entirely. Any elucidating comments would be appreciated.
STANLEY: Why aren’t you dead?
JOSH: I ran out of the house.
STANLEY: You were just a little boy, Josh. That’s what you’re supposed to do.
JOSH: (beat) Yeah…
I take back what I said about the therapist’s being bad earlier, he actually said exactly what needed to be said in this moment and I’m all for it.
Side note — the following button for this scene got cut:
DRAFT JOSH: Thanks again, Stanley. I’ll call you soon.
DRAFT STANLEY: I hope you do, Josh. ‘Cause between you and me? This is not not a big deal.
Time was once again in short supply, so this was an unfortunately necessary cut. I suppose around this time Mr. Sorkin started to hear about that technique for cutting a scene short he employed for the When We All Vote special?
JOSH: C.J., an NSC staffer gave me a card with instructions on it for what I’m supposed to do in the event of a nuclear attack. They want me up in the plane or down in a bunker. They don’t want you — or Sam or Toby, for that matter. I-I didn’t want to be friends with you and have you not know.
C.J.: Josh, have you been upset about this?
JOSH: Yes.
C.J.: You’re very sweet sometimes, you really are.
This from the woman who called him a fascist two episodes ago? Interesting…
In all seriousness — here in this moment we get the first explicit verbalization of the Sorkin throughline of work family being true family. So far the relationships between staffers of this White House have leaned toward the close-but-acrimonious side of the spectrum, but with this episode we start to move away from that perception — as we’ll see even more in a few moments.
JOSH: This is a beautiful piece of music. Do you know this?
C.J.: I’m Catholic.
Are there people who identify as Catholic the same way non-practicing Jews still identify as Jewish? That’s how C.J.’s declaration here sounds to me…
JOSH: Hang on, listen… (listens) there, right there… (listens) it’s… miraculous.
Some hay has been made in official interviews of how sparse stage directions are in Sorkin scripts, and this moment is a perfect example of that. You’d think, given the purpose of the line, there would be an explicit direction to have Josh listen to the music for a moment in the middle of his line, but no — the above has no direction or breaks notated, only a specification for a beat before the next sentence:
JOSH: Schubert was crazy, you know.
Research on the claim Josh makes here is of two minds (no pun intended): some publications suggest Schubert had what’s now called cyclothymia, which is essentially a low-grade form of bipolar disorder, while other publications are quick to point out modern diagnoses of long-dead people tend to be a fool’s errand. Jury is out for me, frankly, so I think I’ll leave the question open for now.
C.J.: Josh, the Cold War is over. There’s not gonna be a nuclear —
JOSH: God, C.J., it’s not gonna be like that. It’s not gonna be the red phone and nuclear bombs.
C.J.: What’s it gonna be?
JOSH: It’s gonna be this. It’s gonna be something like this. Smallpox has been gone for fifty years, no one has an acquired immunity. It flies through the air, you get it and you carry a ten foot cloud around with you. One in three people die. If a hundred people in New York City got it, you’d have to encircle them with one hundred million vaccinated people to contain it. Do you know how many doses of smallpox vaccine exist in the country? Seven. If a hundred people in New York City get it, there’s gonna be a global medical emergency that’s gonna make HIV look like cold and flu season. That’s how it’s gonna be, a-a… little test tube with a… a rubber cap that’s deteriorating. Guy steps out of Times Square Station, (make small glass breaking sound) smashes it on the sidewalk… there’s a world war right there.
Thanks for the nightmare, Josh — and just when I thought I was done with pandemics…
BARTLET: See, I am a master of fundamentals, and I really believe that that is why my team so thoroughly dominated your team.
SAM: Yeah, probably didn’t hurt so much having a two-time ACC player of the week on your team.
BARTLET: Leo, kids don’t understand the fundamentals.
LEO: No appreciation for the game, Mr. President.
As originally written, this response from Leo was supposed to be… from Mr. Grant, who is completely absent from the scene as we get it. I suppose the man was too expensive for two scenes? Also, I suppose it should be noted, having Sam remain the target of the President’s bragging is technically a continuity error since Sam’s presence in the cold open was replaced with Charlie. You could probably argue Sam was just on the bench at that point, though, so I won’t keep a bull pup.
BARTLET: Where’s Zoey?
LANDINGHAM: She’s in the kitchen.
In the draft script, the President reacts to that answer incredulously before moving into an entire scene which got cut. In that scene…
Ah, what the heck, let’s keep these going — impromptu solo table read!
It’s a fun little scene, but I can understand why it got cut, considering it does nothing more than establish a note of verisimilitude. Bits and pieces of that verisimilitude are scattered throughout the rest of the season in the scene’s absence, as we’ll see in future entries.
C.J.: More people get killed each year getting change out of vending machines than get killed by a wolf attack.
CATHY: Are you serious?
C.J.: Number of people killed last year retrieving change from a vending machine, four; number of people killed by a wolf attack, zero.
Something apparently got lost in translation between Mr. Sorkin’s learning about vending machine deaths and his writing it into a script. Statistics on vending machine deaths aren’t specific to getting change from a vending machine, but encompass all cases wherein a vending machine user rocked or tipped the machine too hard, be it for change or for trying to cheat your way into a free snack. According to a Consumer Product Safety Commission report, between 1978 and 1995 the number of deaths from vending machines generally averaged between two and three per year, so the statistic presented herein for a year that comes after that period is likely inflated. The reason I feel confident saying that is that vending machine death numbers since 1995 have cratered, attributed largely to more prominent anti-tipping signage — and secondarily by machines’ now accepting credit cards, though that wasn’t a thing yet in 1999. However, compare those numbers with deaths from wolf attack: globally, between 2002 and 2020 only 26 fatalities are attributed to wolf attacks, averaging between one and two deaths per year — and only one of those deaths occurred in the United States, so despite the slaughtering of numbers presented C.J.’s point still basically stands.
TOBY: So, I guess we haven’t been getting along too well lately, have we, sir?
BARTLET: No, I guess not.
TOBY: I’ve been… irritating you?
BARTLET: Yes.
TOBY: Was David Rosen your first choice for my job.
BARTLET: (beat) Yes.
TOBY: (beat) Well, I’m glad we had this little talk, sir, I (laughs) feel a lot better. Thank you, sir.
BARTLET: We were up all night on that one, Toby — me and Leo and Josh. They were screaming at me, “Governor, for God’s sakes, it’s gotta be Toby, it’s gotta be Toby.” When I held my ground and we went to David Rosen, and Rosen said he wanted to take a partnership at Solomon Brothers, thank god…
Further proof of work family as family: in his recount of the tale, the President reveals Josh and Leo went to bat for Toby from the start. As we’ll see in a later episode, though, this might also count as a continuity error… but we’ll get there when we get there.
RETURNING Dialogue Motif: Tall grass
Previous instance: Sports Night 107
BARTLET: I couldn’t live without you, Toby — I mean it. I’d be in the tall grass, I’d be in the weeds. I know I disappoint you sometimes — I mean, I can sense your disappointment — and I only get mad because I know you’re right a lot of the times… but you are not the kid in the class with his hand up and whatever it was you said to C.J.
Oh, so C.J. actually did take Toby’s concerns to the President for him — yet more work family going to bat for each other.
BARTLET: The other night when we were playing basketball, did you mean what you said? My demons were shouting down the better angels in my brain?
TOBY: Yes, sir, I did.
BARTLET: You think that’s what’s stopping me from greatness?
TOBY: Yes.
“Cut! Richard, please, you know the line! ‘It’s what stops most people from greatness.’ I know you remember that!”
TOBY: Tell you what, though, sir — in a battle between a President’s demons and his better angels, for the first time in a long while, I think we might just have ourselves a fair fight.
And with this heartwarming line, another throughline of Sorkin television shows presents itself: this time, the characters’ being established as special in their field of work. Are we to see greatness from the President of this show? Certainly we’re to expect it, if this line is any indication!
JOSH: You look good!
ZOEY: You look like death on a Triscuit.
JOSH: Oh, thanks very much, I’m seeing a new barber.
Eh… not that I don’t appreciate the cameraderie established between Josh and Zoey here, but that cameraderie almost certainly should be considered a continuity error in light of what we learn a season from now. I’ll leave that discussion for then, though.
JOSH: Charlie, you met Zoey Bartlet?
CHARLIE: No, it’s a pleasure to meet you, ma’am, I’m Charlie Young.
ZOEY: Hi.
JOSH: Okay, hang on a second. Let’s take it back a moment and give it another chance. This is a girl, Charlie. You don’t have to call her ma’am.
CHARLIE: I beg your pardon, did I call you —
ZOEY: Zoey.
CHARLIE: I should call you Zoey?
ZOEY: If I can call you Charlie.
That’s right, Charlie, skip past “miss” as well, you can do it!
ZOEY: Taste this.
(ZOEY forces a taste test on Charlie)
ZOEY: Doesn’t it need cumin?
CHARLIE: It needs oregano.
You got a couple of dime bags, Charlie?
C.J.: My point is, can’t we build schools and protect wildlife at the same time?
“At this point, I’d say it’s a moral imperative.”
BARTLET: Look at this, will you?
JOSH: At what, sir?
BARTLET: I don’t know why, but nothing make me feel quite so good as the sight of colleagues enjoying each other outside work.
Cut from the draft script is Josh responding with a notification to the President that “there’s a big black man in the kitchen hitting on your youngest daughter”, to which the President responds by calling Zoey and Charlie out.
THANK FUCK THAT GOT CUT
I sincerely hope I don’t have to explain to the reader why that cut was necessary.
BARTLET: Look at C.J. — she’s like a fifties movie star, so capable, so loving and energetic…
LEO: Look at Mandy over there…
“Cut! Johnny boy, you stepped on the second half of Martin’s line! Remember, the bit about a father’s pride in a woman?”
LEO: Mandy’s already won her battle with the President, the game’s over, but she’s not done. She wants Toby.
(cough) You, uh, might want to choose your wording more carefully, my guy…
JOSH: Mr. President, there’s something that’s been bothering me for most of the day, and while I know that this is an inappropriate time —
LEO: No, what’s on your mind, Josh?
JOSH: I serve at the pleasure of the President, and it’s a great privilege that I will never forget. (takes card out of his wallet) I can’t keep this. I think it’s a white flag of surrender. I want to be a comfort to my friends in tragedy, and I want to be able to celebrate with them in triumph, and for all the times in between, I just want to be able to look them in the eye. Leo, it’s not for me. I want to be with my friends, my family, and these women.
Again hammering the point home: while Josh’s title may be above those of his colleagues in communications and the assistant core, he still considers himself an equal with them like as members of a family, to the point he’d want to stay with them during imminent destruction.
Side note: cut from the draft script is Josh continuing after a beat with, “I hope you’re not too angry with me, Mr. President.” The President’s response? We’ll never know, because the next page is the mythical missing page 69 (nice). C’est la guerre…
BARTLET: You know, of course, the First Lady’s in Pakistan.
Did she take her Ouija board with her?
BARTLET: I miss her very much, but I’m delighted our beautiful daughter Zoey is here. You know, she’s starting Georgetown in the spring.
(applause)
BARTLET: This, prior to medical school and a life of celibacy.
JOSH: (cutting through the laughter) Yeah, right!
Woah, holy hell, Josh! You sure you want to be going that hard on your boss’s daughter’s sex life? I know you just had a nice moment with him, but he can still fire you!
BARTLET: And if you will allow me just one minute of business, please — I hope that by the time we’re done with our four years here, we’ll have seen to it that every young person who chooses can go to college and beyond, regardless of their economic status.
Sure, man, you can talk the talk like everyone else. Can you walk the walk like no one else?
BARTLET: C.J. Cregg is gonna be up all night writing a position paper for the Interior department on the necessity of wildlife protection. C.J., I don’t mind the cost of this wolves-only highway. It’s the segregation. The ACLU is gonna file a petition on behalf of some reindeer, and then we’re all screwed.
Would that be before or after their petition to get a murderer out of Massachusetts prison? (Yes, that’s still in my teeth.)
BARTLET: … you can rest assured, Sam. It was not a spaceship from another planet, just another time — along since abandoned Soviet satellite. One of its booster rockets didn’t fire and it couldn’t escape the earth’s orbit — a sad reminder of a time when two powerful nations challenged each other and then boldly raced into outer space. (beat) What will be the next thing that challenges us, Toby? That makes us work harder and go farther?
If you listen carefully to the music playing during this scene after this moment, you can hear Snuffy Walden quoted the previously-heard Ave Maria in (where else?) the oboe part. I suspect this quote may have been a compromise on the part of the music department: the draft script specifically calls for a rendition of Ave Maria itself to be played through the entirety of the President’s speech starting after his college declaration. We’ll be seeing later on another case where a musical compromise had to be made, which is why I feel justified in making this claim. Either way, the handling of the theme is tastefully done here, if I may say so myself.
BARTLET: You know, when smallpox was eradicated, it was considered the single greatest humanitarian achievement of this century. Surely we can do it again — as we did in the time when our eyes looked towards the heavens, and with outstretched fingers, we touched the face of God.
For those of you thinking that this line was stolen from Ronald Reagan: Reagan himself was quoting a 1941 poem “High Flight” by John Gillespie Magee Jr., an fighter pilot for the Royal Canadian Air Force who later died in a training accident during World War II.
And with that, an absolutely fantastic hour of television concludes. The thorough establishment of the Sorkin television throughlines into The West Wing with this episode gives the show forward momentum that will carry it all the way through the first season. The deepening of the relationship between the President and Toby in particular serves to three-dimensionalize what could otherwise have been a rather flat best-buds dynamic. The peek into the mindset of Josh Lyman also lends weight to his workaholic tendencies by framing them as his way of serving the people he views as friends. The only negative I feel is worth noting is the continued misframing of the First Lady, but it’s a small enough note that it will likely be of no significance later on. For now, let us continue to witness the race for greatness.
If your mousing hand somehow has been resisting the urge so far, you’d do well to have that hand move the cursor over to the subscribe button and click it. Coming up next: if Conflict Ball were an Olympic sport…
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